I had just kissed a boy and it hadn't disgusted me, it hadn't made me nauseous like it should have been. I had just kissed a boy and I liked the feeling of his lips on mine, his sweet taste, which was a mix of sweetened lemon tea and mint toothpaste...
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It was the third day of the year and after New Year's Day everything was back exactly as before. We had spent the night at the seaside, warming ourselves with the blankets I had brought and spending the time talking. We talked until one in the morning and then again until two and three, until shortly after seven we noticed that the darkness around us had vanished, giving way to a faint light. The sun only really began to rise after half past seven and the view right in front of our eyes was unique. We looked at the dawn with the same light in our eyes with which we look at the person we love, with the same happiness as a child when he can play with his favorite toy.
It was definitely one of the best moments of my life that immediately took its place next to the moment I found out I was pregnant and when Rye came into my life.
But after our paths had separated everything had gone back exactly as before. He had gone back to his house and I had gone back to the hostel where I was exactly now.
I couldn't find anywhere the desire to go out, staying under the duvet watching my laptop seemed like a dream, a dream I was living. On my laptop there were at least twelve windows open, eleven of which were sites full of job offers and then there was Netflix.
I had found hundreds of jobs that I was willing to do even if the pay wasn't over 500 euros a month. I was willing to do anything, I just needed money and I could have easily lived in that hostel until they kicked me out. Two weeks at the new price of €13 would have asked me almost 200 euros and I didn't have it. I had €110 left in my wallet to live on and it was truly a race against time.
In the first job I found, a bar, I had to be at least eighteen years old, the second job was a restaurant and they were looking for a waiter only I had to have at least five years of experience, in the third job they needed someone who could wash the dishes but I had to be at least twenty years, for some reason. In the fourth place I went to a bookshop, their excuse for not hiring me was my sexual orientation and I couldn't even have my say and they immediately kicked me out. The other fifteen places had given me more or less the same answers and I... I had returned to the hostel every day without a job and with less and less money. My spending was minimal, I only took the essentials, but I had to raise a baby and I couldn't starve.
Lately I've been thinking more than usual about what would happen in the future. First of all I had to tell Chris about the baby because afterall he was still the father. I would have liked to talk to him about it. I would have liked to have him by my side during the nine months of pregnancy and instead I was reduced to living in a hostel and eating food that cost less than 2 euros so I could live decently while waiting to find a job. I wanted to keep the baby with all of myself, I loved him more than myself, but I didn't have the money to support him, I couldn't even support myself. The idea of giving up my baby for adoption was heartbreaking for me, but I couldn't find a way to move forward if I had no one and especially if no one wanted to hire me. My head was so full of thoughts that I couldn't sleep at night. I stayed awake looking for jobs that ended up not hiring me.
