I had just kissed a boy and it hadn't disgusted me, it hadn't made me nauseous like it should have been. I had just kissed a boy and I liked the feeling of his lips on mine, his sweet taste, which was a mix of sweetened lemon tea and mint toothpaste...
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I just wanted to stay in my room, under the duvet sleeping and reading without thinking about anything or anyone. I still found it weird that I could sleep for hours and hours and still be tired. Sometimes I would wake up and wonder what the point of getting out of bed and doing something other than reading and sleeping was. My room was a pigsty, as my mother had called it several times, yelling at me to do something different than usual. As much as her words hurt me somehow all the time, I certainly couldn't deny that she was right. If it sucked before, it sucked even more now.
Twenty-two days had passed and the situation was getting worse every day and all I could do was be part of the problem. My brothers had offered to help me and I appreciated their intentions with all my being, but I didn't have the strength in me to do something like that.
Going to school was more difficult every day. I woke up tired every morning despite having ten hours of sleep if not more. I grabbed the first things I found, wet my hair to fix it so it looked decent, and brushed my teeth. It was the cleanest I could get if not for the rare times I showered. I realized how much it sucked, I realized that I sucked, but I couldn't. There was something inside me that blocked me and prevented me from doing even the simplest, most daily and common things.
Every day I had to play the role of the perfect boyfriend, ready for marriage, ready for married life and eternal life with the same person. But I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready at all. I constantly lived in fear of what my future would be, what I would be knowing that I could never be myself. Maybe it was okay like that because if no one would ever want me for who I really was and I needed someone then... then yeah, it was okay like that after all.
Every day I had to put up with my best friends' bullshit. I had to submit to their will otherwise I would no longer be able to be their friend. As crazy as it might sound, it wasn't that new to me, I had heard it a long time before and I just ended up getting used to it.
I just wished someone would truly understand how bad I constantly felt. I just wish someone would ask me how I was and then wait for my answer. I just wanted someone to be interested in me without wanting anything in return. I just wished someone could love me like Oliver had loved me in the past and like Andy had tried to do.
"You want too many things that you can't have, Ryan." I said to myself, forcing myself to leave the room and go to the kitchen to have breakfast.
We already left, just make do!
Said a post that was attached to the empty bottle left on the table.
Remember not to fail the next physics test.
Said another one.
They gave me the fault of all the tests in which I didn't get grades higher than what they wanted. When the results were above average they justified themselves by saying that I was simply doing well in the subject. It was my job, they used to tell me. It was never enough for them. Nothing I did was enough and it just made me die inside every time I even thought about it.
