BURN "28 Flames" Book One

Gone 17

I sat in the lobby waiting on my name to be called. I avoided seeing him until this was all over with. This would break his heart but I had to do what was best for me. He had consumed so much of my life that right now a baby wouldn't do anything but be caught in the middle of all of this.

I looked at his videos on my phone and wanted nothing more but him to be here with me. I felt I was betraying him in some way. But I had been betraying myself since I met him. I let him turn me into this zombie who lived in his world by his rules. I was tired of letting my feeling run over because I always ended up being hurt. Not this time I couldn't let that happen I was ready to face my demons and fight through this.

" Abigail Trotter!" I heard my name being called.

The damn 6 hour wait made me tired and frustrated. But I had to get this done and over with.

I was weighed then they took a urine sample. This procedure had a long drawn out process. But it was another choice that I made.

Finally they put me in this room with a damn shrink. I pitied her because I didn't want to discuss my reasons for my decision. So I gave simple answers to her simple ass questions. I didn't need anyone judging me when they didn't have a clue about what I was going through.

I had a business and a kid just didn't fit in that dream right now.

I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there she was beginning to get on my nerves.

I laid on the table and waited for the technician to take ultrasound pictures. They needed to make sure I was able to still get the procedure done. Like I said a long drawn out process.

" Do you want to hear the babies heart beat?" She asked.

" I thought you couldn't do that." I said confusingly.

" We're not supposed to but I think you should." She chimed.

I watched as she put the cold jelly on my belly and saw the image of my baby. He was big for my size but I didn't know what the hell I was looking for really. His heartbeat was loud and it echoed throughout the room. She kept clicking and taking pictures. I sat in a daze watching this little being move around in my stomach I was amazed but at the same time unsure.

" When was your last period?" She asked with a confused look on her face.

"About two months ago I think. I'm not really sure. I don't pay attention to it like that" I said honestly.

" Ok." She smiled.

The heartbeat kept playing then I would think about Abel. My head began to hurt but I couldn't stop playing the image of him holding me that night. I felt the first kick ever and cringed at the thought of killing my baby. Tears seeped out of my eyes uncontrollably. The heartbeat seemed to get louder.

Before I knew it I had jumped off the table grabbed my things and apologized to the tech for wasting her time. I couldn't go through with it weak or not that was the most scariest thing I was putting myself thus far. My nerves were a wreck. I got in my car and called him. But got the voicemail.

" Abel I need to talk to you...please. I need you right now." I cried into his voicemail.

I rushed home feeling sick to the stomach I cried and threw up from the very thought of what I was about to do.

I stared into the mirror and saw the real me for the first time. I was selfish and ugly everything about me was ugly. The mirror shattered as I sent my fist crashing into. Trying to shatter the smug image of the real Abigail who didn't deserve to live. Blood was dripping all on the floor and glass everywhere.

I fell to the floor on my knees in a crying rage. I screamed I kicked and I clawed at my own flesh wanting to tear myself apart.

" Abigail!" Suzy screamed grabbing me off the floor.

I looked at her searching for empathy because I had none left.

She held onto me and rocked me back and forth with her own tears falling.

" What's wrong Abby? What's wrong?" She asked more out of sadness than wanting the truth.

Naw she didn't want the truth because the truth was too ugly it held more pain than anyone could ever imagine. The truth was unbearable and would send me to my final resting place. I didn't need to reveal it to her I needed him but like always he wasn't here.

" I have to go Suzy. I have to go home and unpack can you help me with the rest of my things." I said whipping my face.

She looked at me with a baffled stare. I had blood running out of my cuts. But was too shocked to care. My mind had went into shock and I was running on fumes to keep me from going insane.

"I need to clean your arms first Abby. What the hell is wrong with you?" She yelled.

"I was trying to hit a fly and I hut the glass to hard and cut my arms up." I lied unfazed.

She looked at me awkwardly and looked into the bathroom. Instead of doing what she does vest she left well enough alone giving me my space.

I took a glass of wine and guzzle it down. I wanted to be numb I didn't want to feel anything because I would be over the edge. She sewed my arms up and cleaned them. We packed my car with the last of my things. By the time we were done with the packing I was too tired to clean up so I said I would do it tomorrow.

I took her out for dinner and sat playing in my food not having an appetite. She watched with the words just ready to pour out questions.

"Don't ask my anything I'm too tired to explain. He just can't seem to be there for me." I hit the table in anger.

Suzy sat quiet never seeing me like this before.

We left the restaurant going our separate ways. I turned my phone off and headed home to get some rest.

I tried to call her but she wouldn't answer. I had a show in Toronto and she had called. She was crying I needed to see her so as soon as my show was over I left and headed straight there. Once I got there nothing was there all her stuff was gone she was gone. There was blood all over the bathroom floor glass everywhere. I don't know what happened but I was going crazy. I didn't know if her and the baby were ok or what. My mind couldn't process it all.

Now I was sitting here drinking and smoking trying to ease my mind. She had left for good she wanted me gone for sure. I had no address on her nothing.

I sat and watched Ming dance but I was hazed my mind was in a different world. It was her 23rd birthday and I was going to give her the fuck of her life. I was faded she was riding me and I was digging deep. I was Gone from the codine, methazine, and lean. This shit had me out of my mind and that shit was spinning in my head. I was numb from the neck down. Let the meds flow...Abigail I'm so Gone....

She was Gone.