Rafa's
"LET ME GO!"
Nang mahimasmasan ako ay nagawa kong bawiin kay Santi ang braso ko. I found myself in the middle of the parking lot. Malakas pa rin ang tibok ng puso ko at hindi ko pa rin naiintindihan ang mga nangyayari. Jacqueline hates me now. She found out about Felipe and I. Hindi ko makalimutan iyong galit na nakita ko sa mga mata niya kanina. Nanlilisik ang mga mat ani Jacqueline sa akin. Hindi ko iyon matanggap. Growing up alone, I only had Jacqueline. She was my first ever friend. I cherish her a lot, kaya nga ganoon na lang ang pagpapaubaya ko, kahit masakit sa akin noon, kahit na hindi ko matanggap, pinilit kong tanggapin kasi mahal ko sila pareho ni Felipe. I want them happy, but that's not the case now.
"Why didn't you fight back?" Tanong sa akin ni Santi nang harapin niya ako. "You always have something to say whenever it comes to me or the others, pero bakit hindi ka sumagot kay Jacqueline? Bakit nagpapaapi ka, Rafaelle! Hindi ka dapat nagpapaapi!"
"Why do you care so much? Ano naman kung ma-api ako? You're doing a good job making me feel small all the time tapos ngayon sasabihin mo sa akin na ganyan? Gago ka ba?" Hindi naman ako sumisigaw. I feel so exhausted. Gusto ko nang umuwi. Gusto kong magpahinga. Gusto ko lang umiyak. Dapat masaya ako ngayon. All my dreams have come true tonight. I have my first collection; I have my family here and yet I feel like I have been beaten down and all I want to do is to go home and cry. Tinalikuran ko si Santi pero hinawakan niya ang braso ko. He sighed. He looked like he wanted to say something to me, but I swear, kung aapihin niya lang ako, sasapakin ko na talaga siya. Hindi niya ba naiintindihang pagod ako at gusto kong mapag – isa?
"Look, Rafaelle, I'm so sorry." My world stopped. Mukhang namamali lang ako ng dinig. Is he apologizing? Or am I hallucinating? What am I going to do? What's his plan? "Inaamin ko namang hindi kita matanggap noong una..."
"I don't want to hear this."
"NO! You need to!" He grabbed my arms again. "Look, I'm so sorry. Hindi kita matanggap noong una. In my head, how the hell does this work? Hindi ka namin kasamang lumaki. Hindi ka namin kilala, paano kita papakitunguhan? And then, I saw that you're suddenly getting along with all our siblings pero, pero bakit sa akin, hindi mo iyon magawa? Bakit pagdating sa akin, malayo ka? Anong ginawa ko sa'yo?" Hindi sumisigaw si Santi sa pagkakataong iyon. He's just there, stating facts and asking me questions. I bit my lower lip.
"It's because I don't know how to deal with the person my mom misses the most all the time." I bit my lower lip. Growing up alone, tapos tuwing pupuntahan pa ako ni Mama sa New York noon ay palagi kong nakikitang kausap niya si Santi. I am so jealous of him. Mom always talks about my brothers, but he talks more about Santi. Siya naman talaga ang paborito ni Mama, at nagtatampo lang ako kasi pakiramdam ko, hinding – hindi ako magiging sapat para sa Mama ko. Tapos noong nagkakila-kilala kami, he never fails to make me feel like an outsider.
"You make me feel like an outsider every damn time." I looked at him. "I love all of you, but sometimes I think that you can never accept me kasi madamot ka."
"I never wanted to make you feel like that." Sabi niya sa akin. "I'm so sorry." I only nodded at him. Wala na akong masasabi. Okay na ring nanghihingi siya ng tawad sa akin. Santi walked to me and tapped my shoulder. "I will try my best to be a better brother."
"Did mom scold you?" I was only teasing him.
"And Papa too. He threatened to feed me to the dogs..."
"Well..." Pinipigilan ko ang pagngisi ko.
"And Pepe said that he'll never forgive me if you don't."
"Love na love mo si Juan Pedro no." Tudyo ko sa kanya.
