Rafaelle's
"I'M SORRY. I shouldn't really be here."
Felipe was holding the cup of tea I gave him. We were sitting on the chairs in my balcony. I had to let him in. I wanted to know why he is here. Ang dami – dami kong tanong pero may maliit na boses sa isipan ko na nagsasabi sa akin na si Felipe ang sumusunod sa akin nitong mga nakaraang buwan. I wanted confirmation. Isa pa, gusto ko rin naman talaga siyang makausap. I wanted to know how he is. Kung tulad ko ba, naiisip niya rin baa ko palagi? Kaya ba siya nandito kasi gusto niya akong bawiin? My god, why am I even asking myself this? Hindi ako dapat nag – a- assume. Maybe he is here because he wanted to finally end this chapter of our lives. Paano kung nandito siya para sabihin na gusto na niyang lumagay sa tahimik, that he finally had the will to let me go. Anong gagawin ko?
Of course, if needed again, I will let him go. Wala naman akong binitiwang kahit na anong pangako sa kanya noong araw na nagpaalam ako. Kung nandito siya ngayon para sabihin sa akin na ito na ito and that we could be friends, then I will be his friend. Matagal siguro bago mawala sa akin at sa sistema ko ang pagmamahal ko para may Felipe. Loving him is like breathing for me. He was there with me when I was lost, he helped me find that missing piece in me, pero ngayong nawawala na naman ako, I think I owe it to him to let him go. He needs to be happy too. He can't possibly spend his life waiting for me – although there was a part of me that is actually wishing and hoping that he is waiting for me.
"It's fine. Madrid is huge. It's an open city, you can come here anytime you want." Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko sa kanya. I wanted to hug Felipe because I miss him so much pero kinalma ko naman ang sarili ko. Hindi ako pwedeng gumawa nang kahit na ano na lalagpas sa limits na mayroon ako. My therapist said that I should have limits or boundaries, at ngayong gabi, I set our relationship to that friendship boundary. Isa pa, I don't know of it's fine to hug him. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung bakit siya nandito.
"Why are you here?" I finally found the courage to ask him that question. Felipe just smile. He sipped in his cup of tea before he finally spoke again.
"I missed you..." My heart felt like it fell from my chest to my stomach. He missed me? I miss him too – shall I tell him this? Hindi ko alam kung anong magiging reaksyon ko pero napakasaya ko ngayon. Pinigilan kong ngumiti. Anong context ng pagka-miss niya sa akin? We can miss our friends right? We can miss everyone that is special. Baka naman kmasi magkaiba kami ng level ng pagkamiss sa isa't isa.
And why am I overanalyzing things? Nagkaroon kami ng relasyong dalawa. I think it's just normal to miss someone.
"I know I said that I will wait – or did I even say that out loud, but I wanted to wait Yaffa. I was willing too. Kahit na hindi kita makita, kahit na wala akong maging balita sa'yo. I was so willing but... but..." Hindi niya itinuloy ang kanyang sinasabi. Instead, he sipped from his cup again and just looked away. The anticipation is fucking killing me. I need to know what changed his mind. He looked at me again and just sighed this time.
"Jaqueline came by my office that day." He slowly said to me. "Nag-usap kami. She was under the notion that because you left, we will be back together again. I told her that is not the case and I asked for her forgiveness. Galit siya dahil nasaktan ko siya and I understand where she is coming from. Hindi ko rin naman inasahan na mapapatawad niya ako kaagad. But I had hurt her, so I needed to apologize. Before she left, she told me that you're here and that you were with Lantis." Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. I never told anyone about me and Lantis finding each other here. Wala naman kaming masamang ginagawa ni Lantis. I just don't feel like telling anyone. Kasi naman kapag ganoon kailangan kong magpaliwanag sa kanila. Ayoko nang mahabang explanation, also, I don't owe anybody an explanation. I just want peace. I find it here.
"How did...she..."
"She told me you have a new IG. She showed me the photo. I spend days convincing myself that it doesn't bother me, Yaffa. I'm so sorry, but it does. Nasaktan ako. Akala ko kasi tulad ko kay maghihintay ka. I thought that you'll only be here because you wanted to find yourself. I'm so sorry, Yaffa. Hindi ako dapat nag – isip ng ganoon, pero hindi ko rin naman mapigilan ang sariili kong hindi ka puntahan. Gusto kong malaman kung maayos ka. So, I flew here. Sabi ko hahanapin lang kita, and if I find you, then I'll watch you tapos aalis na ako. I found you that day, Yaffa, pero hindi na ako nakaalis. I'm so sorry." Nagyuko pa siya ng ulo. I sighed. Hinawakan ko siya sa kamay at saka hinagkan ang kamao niya. Fuck boundaries. I guess, I'll just ask my therapist about the next session, but now, hindi ko na pipigilan ang sarili ko. I want to be with him, I think I am ready, if I am not, then I will try again.
"Yaffa..." I smiled at him. I guess Felipe was speechless just like me. Tulad niya ay hindi ko rin alam ang sasabihin ko. Lumipat ako ng upuan, iyong mas malapit sa kanya at hinawakan nang mas mahigpit ang kamay niya. I didn't want to let go and I can see it in his eyes that he didn't want that too.
"You don't need to apologize. I am glad that you are here." Mahinang bulong ko pero sinigurado ko namang naririnig niya ako. I saw him smile a bit.
"I missed you." He said to me.
"Oh..." I felt my face heating up. Mas dama ko ang sinasabi niya ngayon kaysa kanina. Siguro kung maliwanag ang ilaw, kitang – kita ni Felipe ang pamumula ng mukha ko. I pinched his sides. I heard him chuckle. Lalong humihigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko.
"Is it okay if I don't want to let go now?" I was thinking the same too. Huminga lang naman ako nang napakalalim.
"I'm not... I'm not fully healed yet... I'm scared that...that... what if one day you leave me again? What will I do then, Felipe? I don't think I can lose you the second time. I tried moving on the first time – I almost did. I will not deny that I still love you and I want us together, but I still have my doubts..."
"Let me prove myself to you, Yaffa." Sabi niya sa akin. I am willing to do everything to make you see that I am still worth your love." I hear a low sob from him. Is he crying? Why? Did I say something wrong? The doctor told me that I should really start telling people my true feelings. Isa iyon sa mga problema ko. I just go with the flow. Kaya nga may mga bagay na nangyayari sa akin kahit na hindi ko ito kagustuhan. Sanay naman ako sa ganoong bagay, pero hindi dahil sanay ako, okay na ang lahat. I need to make change, and I am starting now. Mas magandang alam ni Felipe ang lahat ng iniisip ko. I wanna lay it all out now than regret it all later. Mas masasaktan ako kapag may tumubo nang pag – asa sa puso ko tapos mawawala rin pala sa oras na asang – asa ako.
"Are you sure?" I asked him in a low voice.
"I've never been surer in my life."
"Felipe... I am a work in progress." Mahinang wika ko sa kanya.
"And I am willing to work with you on whatever it is. Please believe me. I ca be anything you want or need. I'll be more patient. Aalagaan kita, Yaffa. Please, please believe me."
I do believe him. Sa sarili ko lang naman ako hindi naniniwala. Felipe caressed my back and I had to smile at him. Am I willing to take a leap? I am willing to take this risk again of being with him kahit na hindi pa ako gaanong sigurado sa sarili ko?
"Te amo, Yaffa." He whispered to me. I had to bite my lower lip because of how fast the words wanted to come out of my mouth.
I had to hold my breath. "I love you too, Felipe. Still... I love you so much."
Yes... Yes... I am going to give this a try.
