Happier
Rafaelle's
"Your father's land is exceptional, Rafaelle."
Felipe and I started walking away from the Kamalig. I made sure that we have some distance while walking back to the main house. I kept on looking straight. He was beside me, and no matter how much I want to bask in his presence, I needed to distract myself. I need to think of something else, because if I'll focus on him, I might fall into the subspace again – just like what almost happened earlier. I heard him take a deep breath. Huminto rin siya sa paglalakad, dahil roon ay napahinto rin ako, ayoko man ay nilingon ko si Felipe.
He was just being himself and it is wrecking my whole being, but I needed to be strong, he's not mine anymore, or was there even a time that he was mine? It was clear that I was his, I belong to him, heart, body and soul, it's all his, but was he ever mine to begin with? And then, that was when I remembered the ring I left in the drawer beside our bed in Malta, yes, he was mine too – he used to be.
"I'm telling Jaqueline tomorrow that I'll be leaving." Mahinahong wika niya. My heart clenched. Kararating niya lang pero aalis na naman siya? Hindi man lang ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon para makita siya nang matagal. I know that I am avoiding him like a plague, but I still am very aware of his presence. I want him near, I want to see that he is happy, although it hurts me.
"I see." Napatango na lang ako. "I... well, I thought you said that you like it here?" I asked out of curiosity. Why is he leaving then? Can't he stand my presence here? Kaya nga hindi ako lumalapit sa kanya dahil alam kong maaaring makaramdam siya ng awkwardness, pero hindi pa ba iyon sapat talaga?
"I saw what happened earlier, Rafaelle and I being here is not good for you." Napaawang ang labi ko. Of course, that's why he started talking about pandas. Panda is our safe word, it prevents me from falling deeper. I looked away. Napahawak ako sa bandang leeg ko, I even bit my lower lip, I felt like crying. It shouldn't be like this. It's been years, and ever since the day he decided not to come to the villa in Malta, I haven't been involved with anyone, but still, my body craves for him, my subconscious calls for his command.
I still want him to make me forget and to take care of me. With Felipe, I feel safe and secure, I feel loved and wanted. I sobbed.
"I'm so sorry." I told him. Napabuntong – hininga siya. Hindi ko napansin na lumapit siya sa akin.
"Can I touch you, Rafaelle?" He asked. Felipe is always so calm, he was always asking me if I like the things he's doing, may it be holding my hand or just walking beside me. He was always careful when it comes to dealing with me, he knows what I want, he knows what I need and right now, he could see that I needed to be held.
"Would you want to touch me?" I asked in a low voice.
"Not that way anymore, Rafaelle." Those words suffocated me. Lalo akong napahikbi.
"You can touch me." I sobbed. He held my arm, and slowly, he pulled me closer to him, next thing I knew, I was being enveloped into his warm arms and the feeling of being secure and safe, loved and wanted came back to my senses. I found myself crying hard, sobbing like there is no tomorrow.
My body easily relaxes when it recognized Felipe's touch. Kahit talaga kailan ay hindi ako madaling makalimot.
"I... I'm so sorry, Felipe. For all the pain and the hardships. I'm so sorry."
"I'm sorry too. I'm sorry, I gave you up."
Lalong lumakas ang pag – iyak. Ang sakit – sakit marinig mula sa kanya na isinuko nga niya ako. Ang sakit – sakit hanggang ngayon at hindi ko matanggap na ako mismo ang dahilan kung bakit nawala sa akin ang lalaking mahal ko.
