Yaffa's
"YOU KNOW that I love you right? And that you can come back anytime."
It was another phone call with Mom. Nakangiti ako habang nakaipit sa pagitan ng balikat at leeg ko ang receiver ng phone habang nakikinig sa kanya. I could sense from Mom's voice that she is worried about me at kahit ilang beses ko yatang sabihin sa kanya na wala naman siyang dapat ipag – alala ay hindi niya gagawin. She will always be worried about me. Ganoon naman ang mga magulang. Kahit na siguro ilang taon pa ako o ang kahit na sino sa aming magkakapatid, Mom will always be worried about us.
I am staying in Madrid now. I bought a unit in one of the apartment buildings right in the middle of the city. Everything in Madrid, Spain makes me feel better. The people, the food, the city escapes, everything – including my therapist. I finally gained the courage to consult to a doctor. Someone that can actually understand me, and all my traumas and anxiety.
"Mom... I know. I've been only away for three months, gusto mo na ba akong pauuwiin? Diba't may usapan tayo?" I chuckled a bit. I was busy folding my laundry. Here in Spain, I needed to do everything – hindi naman na ako nanibago dahil ganito rin naman ang ginagawa ko sa New York. Isa pa, Mom taught me to be independent. Ang hindi niya lang naituro sa akin ay kung paano mawawala sa akin ang lahat ng insecurities na dala mismo ng trauma na nakuha ko dahil itinago niya ako nang matagal na panahon.
The doctor told me that it's normal for me to feel out of place or outcast with my family. This is my response because I was hidden away for a long time. She said that I needed to help myself, and I can only do that if I could accept my reality now – the reality that I am no longer a secret and that I belong to a family. Kung tutuusin, napakadaling sabihin pero mahirap talaga itong gawin. Living alone now makes me realize that I have a lot to work on myself. Ang hirap, but I try to survive every day.
"I miss you so much, Baby." Sabi pa niya sa kabilang linya. I smiled to myself. I miss everyone too. Akalain ko bang pati si Santi ay mami-miss ko.
"Miss you too, Mom. But I am okay here. I am getting by. I'll call you again tomorrow, okay? I love you." Tinapos ko na ang tawag dahi kung hindi pa ayn magkakaiyakan na kaming dalawa. Saglit muna akong huminto sa pagtutupi ng damit habang nakatitig sa family picture namin na inilgay ko sa may side table. Doon ko inilagay para lagi ko silang nakikita, para na rin alam ko kung para saan ko ginagawa ang bagay na ito.
I am doing this for myself, for the family and for my happiness.
Speaking of happiness, I wondered what Felipe is doing now. Is he happy? I hope he is. Tulad ko ay dapat ding maging masaya si Felipe. Lahat naman ng tao ay deserve maging masaya lalo na kung naging napakahirap ng mga pinagdaanan ng bawat isa. I could see that now. I used to believe that happiness is overrated – na kahit nakikita ko na iyon sa mga mata ni Mama o ni Ate Mona ay hindi ko makilala iyon. Why? Simply because I couldn't bring myself any happiness. Naniniwala talaga akong kailangan ko munang maging masaya sa sarili ko bago ako bumalik sa pamilya ko at bago ko ibigay ang buong pagmamahal ko sa ibang tao.
Felipe should be like that too. I want him to be happy. Kahit naman nitong huling pagkakataong nagkausap kaming dalawa ay nagkaroon kami ng di – pagkakaunawaan ay gusto ko pa rin siyang masaya. I can never invalidate his feelings for me. Thankful na lang ako at iginalang rin niya ang desisyon kong umalis. Pinipilit ko ang sarili kong hindi makibalita sa kanya. Ayoko. I thought that not knowing anything about him will be easier for me but damn it! I miss him everyday. Kung tutuusin, ang tagal – tagal na naming walang relasyon, walang komunikasyon, walang kahit na ano, pero iyong nararamdaman kong pangungulila sa kanya ay ganoon pa rin. Everything between us felt like it only happened yesterday, but the difference is hindi na ako naluluha ngayon kapag naalala ko si Felipe. Mas naaalala ko ang masasayang pangyayari sa relasyon namin noon kaysa iyong katotohanan na iniwanan niya ako noon.
