ache | lee felix

chapter 2 '✦ ˑ ִֶָ 𓂃⊹ ache

"I can substitute here, right?" I look up at lix, pointing at the long equation on the shiny textbook page. Lix presses his lips together, giving me a flat expression that says, "look at it again".

I let out a loud sigh and sit back in my chair, "Great! Another million step infiltration by parts."

"Integration" Felix corrects me.

I stare at him back. He raises his eyebrows and sets his head down on the table while I get started on this hellish equation. I scribble away, I'm focused. I don't even care about the snack wrappers Felix carelessly tossed aside on my desk over the past two hours of going through the million types of integrals. I hate it when he does that, I'm such a neat freak. Everything from my makeup, my clothes, my room, I just need it all clean to function.

Lix is the opposite, I can tolerate his habits, but it doesn't go unnoticed. I guess that's why we work so well together; we are a good balance.

I pause before completing the last step of the problem and glance over at his resting figure. His body rises and falls with his breath, slow and relaxed. I want things to stay like this forever. I don't want to move a muscle. I don't want us to change. I just wish I could feel content with it.

His eyes flutter open and his eyebrows furrow as he notices me staring, "Erm," he sits up, "Can you finish now? Please?"

"Right, yeah," I shake out of it and shift my focus back over to my sheet. I can feel his eyes on me as I scribble out the last portion of the problem and box in my final answer.

"Ella," he says, looking at me.

I hand him my page to check my work, "Is it correct?"

He glances down at the answer and nods, "Yeah, um, good job,"

"Okaay," I say unamused. I would assume after two hours of studying he would be relieved or excited that I finally completed a problem correctly without any help, "so then what's the problem?"

He sets the page down in front of him, "Ella, I don't want to make you worry or make you feel uncomfortable, but,"

"What is it?" I throw my hand up. This again.

"Does it," he goes on, coming closer to me in a whisper, "Hurt? Like are you okay?"

I close my eyes and laugh a little, "Thank you for being concerned, and yes, I am okay."

"Because, you know you can talk to me, right? I mean of course I won't understand, but," He looks off to the slide, then back at me, "I don't know, I just wanna help you. You never take this long to learn anything. Your focus is everywhere, it's just not you. So if you need help or anything, I'm here because I'm just a little shocked. Even if it's. Weird. I'm still here."

I feel a pit in my stomach, and the guilt starts to wash over me. I don't want him to think that I'm really hurting. But telling him anything close to the truth is out of the question.

"I don't want you to worry. It really isn't severe. It's just something that some girls have to deal with." I sigh, "If I'm honest," and I'm not, "It's more of a combination of things that's throwing me off." Felix gets comfortable in his seat and rests his head on his hand, listening in.

"It's scary. Just dealing with this, heading into the last half of our senior year soon enough. I don't want things to change, and I don't want to deal with adult things. I feel like our youth is slipping away without us even realizing it. We are gonna have to make big decisions soon enough that will alter the rest of our lives. I mean that's terrifying! Change is terrifying!" I pause to take a breath, and look back up at him, "I don't know, it's just all happening so fast."