ache | lee felix

chapter 10 '✦ ˑ ִֶָ 𓂃⊹ carsick

From the mind of Felix Lee

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Our weekend trip came to an end even though it only felt like a day here by the beach. I can't complain, I definitely feel relaxed despite finals starting this week. But leaving the beach early the other day with Ella, I can tell she's been feeling sick, and my worry for her is probing my current state of contentedness.

Right now we are in the very backseat of the car again, driving back home in Chan's big 8 seater, but this time it's quiet in the car. Minho and his passenger princess are listening to music in the front, and the rest of the boys are knocked out in the backseat. Both Ella and I opted for our own personal soundtracks for the drive back. I had a feeling she would keep to herself, she gets so in her head around finals, putting so much pressure on herself to achieve perfect scores. She stops hanging out with us for a bit to spend all her time on her material, even though she'd be fine with me there bothering her. She always ends up being fine, easily getting the top score and setting the curve. Except lately. And it's so unlike her. I wish I could take away her hurt. Whatever it is that's hurting her. Getting in the way of her being who she naturally is.

I break my gaze from the trees that line the highway when I feel a tap on my arm. I remove an earbud and turn to Ella.

"Hey, I'm not feeling good," She whispers to me.

"Do you want to lay down?" I whisper back.

She nods and unbuckles her seatbelt. I gently put my hand on her shoulders, guiding her down onto my lap, where she rests her head extending her legs on to her seat. She settles in and puts her earbuds back in and closes her eyes. I return my gaze out the window and rest a hand on her knee.

Maybe it's just car sickness this time. I remember in 8th grade, we took a field trip up north and got to spend the night in a cabin with our classmates. The busride was a good 7 hours, she held back her puke the entire time. Poor girl, Minho and I made gagging and puking noises the entire ride there and back, trying to get her to spill in front of everyone. She was fine, but definitely didn't forgive us for a good month after that, making sure she teased us whenever we felt sick.

I break out in a smile remembering how stupid we acted back then. I shift my gaze from the window over to her.

I reach a hand above her resting face and slowly tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. It had fallen in front of her face when Minho switched lanes a bit too aggressively just now. I'll tell him to be more careful with her next time.

I scan the details of her face in the low light of the sunset pouring in from the window. She does look a little pale right now. But she's not wearing any of her everyday makeup. It's not like she needs it, she looks perfect the way she is right now. So critical of herself always, too aware of how she looks and how people perceive her. Striving for perfection, but she already achieves it so naturally. She doesn't even have to try. Effortlessly perfect in every way, it's just who she is.

I take a deep breath and remove my focus from her face and back out the window, feeling a rush in my chest. I feel carsick. My eyes are itching to return to her resting in my lap, but my head resists the urge. It just feels wrong. Like I shouldn't be looking at her.

But why not? I can look at my best friend, even if it's for a long time. I have that right. Even if she is. Asleep. But she's in my lap, I'm literally just looking at myself. So it's fine!

I keep my head turned, but sneak a peek at her once again.

There goes the rush in my chest.

No! I force my eyes to stay on the road outside the window.

What am I doing?

I sigh and put my earbuds back in my ears. I wish Jisung would just shut up. If he hadn't asked that stupid question, I wouldn't be so awkward around her right now. No one's ever innocent around him, it's never okay for a boy and a girl to be just friends. If he had been able to keep his friends from grade school, maybe he would understand. It's just jealousy seeping through, wishing he had gotten this lucky. If I were him I'd be jealous of me too, getting to be so close to Ella all the time.

I look back down at her and let the rush take over my body.

My heart pounds out of my chest, looking at her messy braids, overgrown bangs framing her face while she sleeps. I reach for one of her hands and gently hold it.

I'm the lucky one. 

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Author's Note:

muahahahhahahahaahhahahahha

that's it :3 

- L <3