ache | lee felix

chapter 16 '✦ ˑ ִֶָ 𓂃⊹ christmas

From the mind of Stella

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

This week has been a quiet one, but a good one. Now that I'm done with school for the semester and have a few weeks off for the holidays, I've finally had the time to polish off the last of my college and university applications, something I've slowly been wrapping up the past few months. It's been surreal, and I can't lie and say that I'm not freaked out of the thought of leaving home, my family and potentially my friends. And Lix. Of course it all depends on where I get in. I'm shoving the thought of us getting into different schools, but I know our paths may just end up being different, and I need to do what is best for myself. At least that's what my parents have always told me. I'm fortunate enough to have the opportunity to go, so I need to make the most of it, which means I should go to the best school I get accepted to. I don't have control over that, so I guess it's out of my hands and I just need to accept that I don't have control over my future for the time being.

But I've actually been doing good, Chan has helped me channel my thoughts into songs and it's helping me process these emotions. The first song I wrote is about Lix after we came back from our beach weekend. Of course it was about him. Pouring my yearning and love for him into words and melodies that wrap tightly around the feeling. I've always felt like my love for him was somewhat empty. Not because I think he is lacking love for me, but because the romantic love in addition to the platonic love is unrequited. I can confidently say that I know he holds the same amount of love for me as I do, I can feel it. It's just that I tend to love him in more ways than one, I naturally do. And it's something I can't stop. Expressing this in my songs helps me get closure in that sense. I'm able to get it out and express it through notes as opposed to conversation and action. It's helping me contain it. For now at least.

And I've been careful to not let this skew my thinking. I'm beginning to realize that creating art puts you into a headspace that glorifies situations. Romanticizes things. It's a really special feeling. I feel it almost shifts my entire world and the way I experience things. Chan expressed to me that it helps his mental health as well, but that it's still very important to keep yourself in check, remind yourself that reality is in fact reality.

I'm having trouble with this exactly. Towards the end of last week, at our movie night, Lix was just so...so close and I can't get his touch out of my system. I know it's wishful thinking, but it really touched my heart, something so small. I can't help but think that I'm becoming special to him in a new way. I tried describing the feeling to Chan a couple days ago at the studio when we started a new song about this feeling, but I just couldn't articulate the way it was. It was so surprising? It's almost as if he read my mind, things I fantasized, but never imagined him actually doing. Maybe he actually can read my mind. God, imagine that. Don't know what he'd think. Don't know if he'd be happy. Don't know if he'd be upset. Don't know if he'd still want to be friends. After I've lied to him so much...

Chan told him to just be very careful and to not assume things quickly. He suspects that he could be the reality of where we are in life. How it is very possible that we could only have a few months of time left together. He may be realizing that, and wanting to hold me close before the time comes for us to move away. And this makes sense to me as well, it's sentimental. Lix has always shows his affection through physical touch, no matter how much he denies that it's his love language, or at least one of them. His hugs are always exactly what I need. Even in the middle of situations, he will show his support for me by holding my hand, or just by touching my arm for a second. So I want to say that there's something there, but I just can't.

But enough of the worrying, it's time for the holidays! It's time to celebrate Christmas after a week of applications and songwriting, time to just appreciate my family and friends. This morning, my family and I gifted each other presents and spent most of the day in our pajamas, watching Christmas movies and lounging around with each other. We never really all have time to just spend together in the same place at the same time. Both of them work long hours, and I'm keeping up with school and the rest of my life. So I savor the moments I do have with them. In the afternoon my mom and I cooked dinner a whole three courses. Okay, maybe I'm not the best cook and my mom did most of the work. Okay. All the work. BUT! In my defense I'm more of a baker!! We actually did work together on the pies; apple, berry, strawberry, and pumpkin! Before we eat, we take an hour to get all dressed up to sit down and pretend like we are eating at a fancy restaurant, even if it's just the three of us in our dining room. Then after, the three of us go to our town's annual Christmas festival, where we meet up with the boys and some of their parents. We split off and go around the festival on our own all dressed up and it's always a blast. Christmas nights are my favorite, always such a blast, always so special. This year, my mom and I will invite the boys over after to eat the pies we made. We have way too much for the three of us to finish, and we know for sure the boys will eat them all up.