ache | lee felix

chapter 12 '✦ ˑ ִֶָ 𓂃⊹ debrief

From the mind of Stella

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    "Chrriiiissssssss." I whine, laying on his comfy dark blue couch in his apartment. I'm laying with one leg over the edge of the couch, head hanging off the side, looking at him upside down.

    "Five more minutes! Please Stella, just focus on your reading, you need to work on that." He says to me.

    I frown, looking at him typing away at an assignment on the chair next to the couch in the living room of his little college apartment. I sigh, and pick up my required reading for my Honors English final in a couple days. I know I really should be focusing on studying this week, and even I can realize that it's unlike myself to not be locked away in my room pulling my hair out over my course content. But I knew what I needed to do to be able to clear my head and get focused. Talk to Chan. Even if it's literally a Tuesday night. During finals week.

    I crack open my book and flip through the pages. Psssshhhh, I reaaalllyyy don't feel like doing this.

    "Okay." Chan suddenly shuts his laptop and tosses it on the beanbag next to him. Always abusing that thing, as if it's not responsible for his entire college education. "Submitted!"

"Yay!" I yell, throwing my book onto the beanbag as well.

"Tell me why you're not ripping your hair out this finals week," he says, leaning forward at me, elbows on his knees.

I drop my arms back down, "Well, you know we went on a trip to the beach this weekend."

"Yes, I still have lots of residual sand in my backseat, I remember."

"Well," I look up at the ceiling thinking, "I feel like things have shifted, but I can't put my finger on it. Okay, I'm lying, something did happen." I close my eyes and cringe, "We were at the beach, sitting around a bonfire the second night and the boys started playing truth or dare."

"Ha," Chan laughs and sits back in his seat, crossing his arms.

"Yeah, see you already get what's going on," I roll my eyes, "This jackass, Jisung, asks me who I'd make out with and all the boys started laughing saying it's Lix, and they already see us like a couple who is too afraid to admit it. They just wouldn't stop pressuring us to admit that we are in some secret relationship or that we haven't at least thought about it."

Chan stays silent.

"I quickly just shut them up and said Hyunjin because of his big lips and moved on with the game. After that, Lix insisted I go home with him because apparently I looked like I wasn't feeling good. We just walked back and played smash and started watching a movie to fall asleep on Min and Ji's bed. And," I pause, "He said something kinda weird. I mean of course it was sort of an awkward scene back at the beach, and it seemed like he was thinking about it." I close my eyes, and just admit it, "He said, 'I'm glad you're my best friend.' And I know it's sweet and I appreciate it, and I feel the same. It just felt like.. It felt like a friendzone. Just because of the context of what happened earlier and why he would bring our relationship up again. I was just there laying next to him looking at him after he said that to me. And my heart broke. Like that was the first time anyone had openly talked about that possibility and after it was in the air, that's what he decided to say to me. He didn't say it in a rude or like firm way, the way he said it was really sweet actually. But, to me at least, it just felt like he was really saying, 'I don't think of you like that'." I sigh deeply.

"I'm sorry, Stella." Chan says. He lets me continue and just keeps listening.

"But, the next day we got to my place and he hung out with me for a bit before leaving. And, I got the feeling he was sort of, paying attention to me a lot. He noticed that I didn't feel good from the way I looked when I got carsick, then said I looked better when we were in my bedroom. He said I always looked good." I slap my hand over my mouth to cover my smile. "And I was just in my sweats." I take a breath and cool down, blush still bright and apparent on my cheeks, "Anyways, after that I was sitting next to him on the bed and we were just talking, and he starts brushing through my hair with his hands and complimenting my long hair." I feel my stomach start turning again, "I don't know why. I know I'm probably just skewing my perception of what happened, but we just looked at each other so intensely. I feel like something is different. He's acting differently. Since that stupid question."

"Yeah, I feel like Ji's comment just opened the gates of Hell for the two of you."

"But the unsettling thing about this is that the boys already had this perception of us in their heads. Something they all already talked about and laughed about. Is it that obvious?

"Mmm," He purses his lips, thinking, "I mean, to assume that the only girl in a friend group is dating her closest friend isssss, kinda obvious. But I think the boys were just teasing. Being mischievous, I don't really think it was ill intentioned." He nods.

"Yeah, I don't think it was ill intentioned," I sit up, "It's just weird that its something they've all thought about and discussed. Like it was an existing thing."

"Well, yeah. The boys talk and joke around. From the sounds of it, it doesn't seem like it's something that Felix has talked about with them, since he seemed off put by it too. I wouldn't look too much into it. It's just something for them to joke about really."

"Hmmm," I look to the side.

"Don't worry about it, Stella," He lightly taps my knee, "It's not a thing. None of them have brought anything of the sort up to me, if that makes you feel better."

"Yeah, thanks," I look up at him, "I guess their opinions don't matter.. Except Lix's"

"Ella," He looks down, "I feel like,"

I rest my chin on my hands on top of my knees, looking at him, worried about what he's about to say to me.

"I don't think you want to hear this,"

I draw my eyebrows together, "No, you don't get the way he looked at me when he was brushing my hair. It was different. I felt it. He-"

"It's concern. And it's genuine love and care for his friend, Stella. I know it probably felt that way, but he made his intentions for you clear the night before. Guys have intentions in their words, take it from one. And you know Lix is a sentimental person. He's caring for his friend who is saying she's sick, and he's paying close attention to be there for you when you feel bad. You can't let your own perception of Lix skew reality. You're viewing life with a lens. And I get it, it's hard to see past it. But you have to remind yourself of your own feelings."

"But-"

"He's being a good friend to you. And you need to accept it."

I throw my hands up and sit back. "UGHHH!" I cover my face with my hands, "When will it get better? I had some hope here. Like maybe that planted a seed in his mind, but he just spat it right back out at me. But I feel it, I really feel it, Chan, I can't explain it, but something changed. But, I can't count on it."

Chan comes to sit next to me on the couch. I uncover my hands from my face and look at his soft, sorry expression. I feel tears well up in my eyes, "Thank you for listening to me. I'm sorry I'm like this." I say.

He hugs me tight. "Don't say sorry, you're perfect the way you are. It's so special getting to see you fall in love." He rubs my back, "I'm so sorry you're hurting, I don't know what I can do to change it."

I release his hold and wipe my eye, "It's not you're doing, you don't need to be sorry or have any answers for me. I appreciate you listening. I just don't know what to do."

He looks up and thinks for a second before smiling at me, "I do."

I tilt my head, "Really?" That was quick!

"Get up," he stands up and grabs his laptop, "We're going to the studio."

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Author's Note:

hi! so sorry for the late update!! been swamped with exams and work. this one was kinda a filler/recap, but i wanted to let yall know that lix's action are NOT going unnoticed by Ella. Hoping to update again in the next few days :) it'll be good again i promise.

OMG ALSO skz met gala?!!?!??!?! still not over it, the boys looked soo incredible and im so proud of them. lol when they walked out i started tearing up like a proud mom, i couldnt believe it. anyways, i also updated the playlist and added a few more songs- you can listen through the link in my bio.

i hope everyone has a wonderful weekend <3

- <3 l