Destined to be?

Chapter 3

Sarah

It's been one hour.
One full hour since I snuck back in through the back door.
Of course I checked on mom and she was still painting away the record that was playing was almost finished.
Just another reminder for how long I was gone. 
Now I was just pacing my room, the card still in my grip.
Why did you have to show up now?
How did you know I was at the frozen yogurt place?
How long have you been watching me?
Parts of what you said buzzing around in my brain.
'Take all the time you need. I will wait. I understand you're not ready. My heart belongs to you.'
Legs catching the edge of my mattress lucky enough because that's also when my knees decided to give out. Landing with a hard thud that shook the whole frame, the head board rattling against my wall.
Time.
You always did have a funny thing with time.
Then again you weren't wrong.
Thinking back over the amount of time i spent in your house, how over that period i got to know you better. Then after I came home the amount of months that it took for everyone to get situated.
How I had watched my dad go through so many different stages of grief, my mom throwing her emotion into her art. My best friend who had been terrified and looked at me as if I were a ghost when I first came back. All the teachers and students at school. The whole timeline with the detective and my therapist.
Then there was also myself.
Therapy, the room change, accepting that I wasn't the same Sarah as before.
Turning to stare at the pieces of shell encased in resin.
Broken because when I had picked the delicate ridged shell up it had reminded me of you. All those scars on your back, how you had gotten them in the first place.
Now though the piece of art had more meaning than that.
Even though the piece had been broken it was still beautiful.
Showing me that even though i could ever be exactly who i was before that did not mean that i was any less.
Just different.
Changed.
Everything changes.
Changes happen all the time.
Just like now when you decided that it would be a good time to pop back into my life.
Looking down at the now crumpled card.
What was I supposed to do with this?
You weren't a part of my life anymore.
Not physically anyways.
You couldn't be a part of my life.
How would I explain you to everyone else?
Oh by the way this is Eli, funny story, he actually kidnapped me and I faked my memory loss and lied to everyone to keep him safe because I actually love him.
Something tells me that would not go over so well.
There was that word again.
Love.
Did I actually love you?
That seemed like the best word for how I felt.
Seemed valid after everything that I had done to keep you a secret.
People do crazy things all the time for love.
Plus even after all this time your presence still affected me, your touch was electric.
My body definitely knew what it wanted.
So did my train of thought.
Stop!
Crumbling the card up even more as I made a fist.
Knowing that I should just tear this rectangle cardboard up now and be done with all of this.
That wouldn't stop you.
Only delay.
You said you would wait no matter how long.
Then you would be waiting for the rest of your life.
Shaking my head knowing that was a lie as soon as I thought of the words.
Considering how i had to literally force my stride to keep on going, how i had to keep myself from turning back that whole trip home.
I wanted to go back to you.
But I was also too confused to stay.
You and i.
We couldn't work.
But we had.
For that short period of time when I just let myself be with you.
Before I realized how I felt.
Seeing what that choice would mean, as my future flashed before my eyes.
Forever trapped.
Forever apart from my family.
Apart from the life I knew.
What scared me even more was that even after all of those revelations was that I had wanted to stay.
I would have given up everything for you.
If I hadn't left when I did then I most likely would have, and I would have lived with the constant guilt and regret of not coming home for the rest of my life.
The heart wrenching pain of knowing that I would have let my parents and best friend believe that I was dead.
All because I had feelings for you.
You had stolen me away and then you had stolen my heart.
Stolen love.
That seemed to be a fitting description of what happened.
Was that why I couldn't seem to get myself interested in Brayden. Why I always felt as if our relationship had stalled. I mean in the beginning it was definitely more, well more but was that only because it was new?
No.
Refusing to believe that.
There was something between Brayden and me.
He was a great boyfriend.
But he wasn't you.
The thought appeared instantly.
No.
Shaking my head again.
That's why it took so long in the beginning. I wanted to make sure that I had feelings for him and I did, so did he and that's why we are together now.
Everyone loves him.
He makes me laugh and he cares about me.
But he doesn't excite me.
Doesn't make me feel anything.
When I kissed him it was like I was completely and utterly present. I could feel him too well. His exact position, where his tongue was, his hands.
Too focused.
All I wanted was to slip away.
Like I had so easily with you.
I could feel you but your touch only brought the sensation higher until I was floating.
Present but also not.
A feeling that I've tried hard to have with Brayden. Thinking that I just needed to go further to get to that point.
Thinking back to our not so hot half naked make out sessions in his jeep I realized that the act seemed more like a chore.
Though he had seemed to enjoy himself.
Other than that we hadn't done anything else.
I mean I know that there's more, I know that he probably wants to do more but I've put a stop to going any more in depth everytime.
Not wanting to do something that didn't feel right.
He hasn't questioned me on that.
Matter of fact he normally doesn't question me on anything. 
For the most part he just waits until I bring something up which is kind of annoying in a way. I get that he's trying to be considerate and all but it just seems as if he's not interested or invested enough to ask.
Even with that we had our problems. Every couple did. We can work past them.
But that was not something that could happen as long as you were around.
Looking back down at the information card.
I should just throw this away.
Tear it up.
Instead I lifted the corner of my mattress and carefully placed my only way to contact you on the box springs letting the mattress go.
Perfectly hidden.
No one ever looked there and it was too far in between to be found with just a simple bed sheet change. Not like anyone else did that besides me, but still.
Right now what I needed was a nice long hot shower.
That's exactly what I did.