Destined to be?

Chapter 23

Sarah

How exactly did I go from knowing that I needed you out of my life to agreeing to wait for you?
Shaking my head as I laid my head back onto my pillow. Heart still racing from dashing inside and creeping down the hall as I opened my ears, relieved to still hear two sets of snores.
Droning back to the hours I had spent with you.
What's worse is I hadn't even felt like I had even been gone long at all. If i had to guess at that moment i would have said that only half an hour had passed at most but i was gone for over two.
Cutting that just a bit too close.
What would have happened if my dad had been up when I snuck back in the house?
Could I have just gotten away with saying that I was in the backyard?
I'm glad that I hadn't needed to find out.
No matter how much it had pained me to say that I needed you out of my life, that didn hurt me nearly as much as the look on your face.
That shocked expression that made your eyes go wide.
Wide enough for me to see every emotion you had been feeling.
I used to think that feeling so many emotions all at once was the worst thing ever. To be confused about what to feel at the moment.
Now I know that feeling all of them at once was just another emotion in itself.
One that consumed someone.
One that forced them to feel even if they didn't want to.
Sitting up sliding my hand under the mattress until I felt the edge of the thick paper.
Pulling it out.
Knowing that it no longer held your scent but that was ok. I could still smell you on me, on my clothes from being in your truck and being near you.
Actually inside of your truck in the passenger seat this time.
Imagining you slipping my body into a large box. How my body must have folded and slid when you repositioned the box to bring me inside.
Genuinely surprised that I hadn't had any bruises from that trip. All the bumps on the road, then again you did say that you stuffed the box with pillows and blankets.
Taking care of me even before I knew it.
I had wanted you gone.
Out of my life.
I thought that would be easier.
I should have known that I was wrong.
There was no escaping you.
Now here I am struck by the thought of the future. Your plan is buzzing around my head like a flock of bees and I'm just waiting for the moment when I will get stung.
Wait for you, give you a real chance.
That meant that I would have to introduce you to my parents, to amara.
They wouldn't just stand back when I told them that I was dating someone else. They would want to know who it is, how we met.
Would they even agree with the age gap that I knew you and I had.
Still not certain how old you actually were.
Hoping that I was right about you looking as if you were a college student, because if i find out that you're closer to thirty I honestly don't know how I would feel about that. I don't think that it would change how i am with you but that would always dangle over my head how many more years you have then me.
Even if that wasn't an issue, the thoughts of how our real beginning would swirl through my head constantly. I would always worry that something would slip and they would find out that you were the one who tore their lives apart.
That was all just too much.
Yet you had made it sound so easy.
Melding my two worlds together.
Something I knew deep down in my gut could never happen even though that's exactly what my heart wanted and it was like my brain was half and half.
Not giving me the deciding vote that I needed.
Or maybe I just wouldn't let it because no matter what I chose to do I could end up hurt.
The only thing is, I was also willing to take the chance of hurting the other people in my life that I loved.
Stuffing the card back into its place as I turn to my phone and switch off the alarm that I had set for six.
I needed a shower.
Grabbing a baggy t-shirt and some shorts I head down the hall. Hearing the sputter of water shooting out through the walls letting me know that dad was up.
Stripping before I even got the door fully closed, stepping into the shower twisting each of the knobs.
The water hadn't been ice cold but that's most likely because the other shower was going. Which was also why there wasn't as much pressure either. I hadn't cared about either of those, what I needed was heat.
Even though the heat I needed was nowhere close to what these pipes could give.
Droplets of liquid running down the length of my body making the skin that wasn't under the spray cooler.
Picking up my shampoo bottle, sad that I was washing away your scent only to replace it with flowers.
Running my hands through my hair getting a good lather as I scratched and messaged my scalp.
Bringing them down to my shoulders working at the knots that never seemed to go away.
Closing my eyes as I let my hands wander further down.
Over my breasts and my hard nipples down over my stomach until I reached that sweet spot between my legs.
Circling my fingers around and around feelling that ball of pleasure building.
Letting the heat consume me as I went slightly faster losing myself in the action.
Make believing that you were behind me at this very moment and that my hand was yours.
Breaths coming out faster, my mouth split open as I felt that ball grow.
Too small.
My hands were nowhere near the size of yours.
Adding another finger but that just wasn't hitting where i needed it most, upping the speed hoping that would compensate but i could already feel the pleasure dimming.
Hooking my index finger inside, I try a new position. Messaging myself inside and out focusing on the sound of your voice, your breath on my neck. Watching me like you always did.
Some of the pleasure returned but not anywhere close to what I had wanted.
With a disappointed sigh I dropped my hand.
Then again I've never even been able to get myself off.
I was just hoping that this time would be different.
Release some of the stress from my body, yet each time I only seem to be adding more. Along with the frustration of never being able to reach climax.
Even though I've never let him try something tells me that Brayden wouldn't be able to get me there either.
My body did not respond to him at all.
Not like it did with you.
Maybe that's why I've never even let him because I know that I will be disappointed and have yet another reason why we should not be together.
I was already planning on breaking things off with him after prom.
Of course then the questions would come.
'Why did you break up?'
'Did something happen between you two?'
'Did he do something wrong?'
'Who broke up with who?'
Thinking about how my parents will feel when they hear the news.
Thinking that my mom will be upset and worried about me while my dad. Well something tells me that he's going to be more upset then what he's going to lead on.
Knowing that he actually thinks highly of Brayden even though it took some time.
Rightly so because Brayden is a really good guy. A gentleman. The perfect boyfriend. Just not for me.
He is not the right guy for me.
Feeling more and more justified every time I think that statement through.
No longer feeling the guilt or the confusion from wanting to let him go.
As if I had to stay with him to keep everyone else happy.
That's what I was doing.
I thought I was trying to make myself happy too.
I really thought that I was, or that I could have been happy with him.
That was the thing though.
There would always be something missing.
He wasn't you.
He could never compete with you.
Our time together has been fun and I would never choose to change that.
The only thing I would have done differently was break it off when I first started having these feelings. Or lack of feelings I should say.
He would have found someone else easily.
Most of the girls in the school wanted him.
They flirted with him constantly too and I used to think the reason why it never bugged me was because he was with me.
Now I know it's because I never really wanted him in that way.
He deserved someone that wanted to be with him fully and that could never be me because my heart or pieces of it anyways, already belonged to you.
I could never be fully his.
I didn't want to be.
Feeling a bit lighter after coming to that conclusion and finally settling on it.
Just because I was choosing to no longer be with Brayden, that did not mean that I would willingly just fall into your open arms either.
There was still a lot to think about and to even consider on that subject.
Just glad that I still had a little over a month to ponder over that world altering proposition.