Dancing to his tunes

25|Scandal

Bia had just come back from a meeting at ADZ textiles when her father had called her to inform about her impending marriage. It had only been a month to Rahim's recovery and both the families wanted to have an intimate Nikkah performed as soon as possible which was quite fishy. She hadn't talked to Rahim regarding their marriage and she couldn't understand how all of a sudden there were talks about their marriage. The impulsive side of Bia itched to call Rahim up and ask about this sudden marriage preparation, but then seeing how it was late in the night in the States, she frustratedly typed a message to Rahim to call her when free.

Bia couldn't help but feel the panic erupting at the thought of marriage. The decision of getting engaged to Rahim months ago in itself was quite hard because she, despite all her efforts, couldn't shake the trauma of her first marriage off her. The thought of how weak she was brought tears to her eyes, how she was still paralyzed by her past made her feel nothing short of a loser. She hated herself for still being stuck in the past, for nor moving on, for not having the guts to take leap of faith with Rahim. She couldn't help but compare herself with those around her who were strong mentally and emotionally, who never let any adversary affect them, who easily moved on in life, who wouldn't be scared to try again and take risks. She was scared to trust another person with her feelings again, scared of being shattered again, scared of being used, manipulated and thrown away again.

"Why am I such a loser and crybaby Allah?! Why am I not like Aaron who could easily move on in life? Why is he your favorite that despite wronging me, he went unscathed and got a killer fiance like Rebecca?I hate you Aaron! I hate you so much I can't express it in words! You took everything away from me... my inheritance, dignity, happiness, confidence, faith, mental health, stability everything! But more than you, I hate myself Aaron for being stupid to fall for your lies! Why was I such an idiot to fall for him, Allah? Why didn't You stop me? I used to pray to you 5 times a day!" Bia couldn't help but wail looking up at the ceiling bawling her eyes out. She couldn't help but complain to Allah about everything that has happened to her. Bia didn't know for how long she blamed herself and Allah for every suffering of hers.

In these past 3 years she had barely prayed, she was angry with Allah for what she went through. She stopped praying because she thought it was useless, despite praying she suffered so much while better off were those who didn't pray, didn't believe in predestination and decree. Her ordeal made her lose her faith and left her hopeless.

Bia got up and performed ablution before spreading the prayer mat on the floor because she just wanted to sit on the prayer mat and pray for once for herself, she wanted to hold onto the last vestiges of her crumbling faith. But now thinking about it made her realize that she never had faith to begin with: yaqeen to tha hi nahi bus aqeedah tha aur woh bhi itna kamzor key ek lamhe mein bikhar gaya. She grew up hearing her mother tell her that Hazrat Ali RA farmatey hain key maine Allah ko apney iradon ke tootney se pehchana per Bia tou khud itni toot chuki thi ke woh apnay aap ko nahi pehchan parahi thi apne Rab ko kaise pehchanti! 3 saal ki ghaflat key baad apney Rabb key saamney khari horahi thi lekin abhi bhi uskey dil ko qarar nahi aya tha, abhi bhi uskey dil mai kai shikway shikayat they apne Rabb ki hikmat ko ley ker aur kayi maayoosiyan thee. Mai kya karun Allah? Yeh mayoosiyan kam hi nahi hoti! Yeh malal khatam hi nahi hota, yeh zakham bharta hi nahi hai, mai yeh sab bhula kar agey barh hi nahi paa paati! Mai nahi jaanti yeh kaise hoga per meri madad kar, is hopelessness se nikaal mujhe, mujhe heal kar, meri madad kar is na ummeedi se larney mai, buhat mushkil hai mere liye apney aap ko sambhalna, mai thak chuki hun, is martaba mujhe mayoos na karna! She cried incessantly on the prayer mat. There was no instant healing, no miracle that happened but Bia felt lighter, she was still wary of whether Allah would answer her prayers or not but she felt at ease maybe it was the effects of crying, but whatever it was she knew she was trying very hard to put her trust back in Allah and she was scared of being disappointed again.