RYUJIN
(Open end story, consists of my thoughts)
I hurt myself again, all my friends told me that she won't change, she'll hurt me again. I let it happen, until it won't hurt me anymore. I know I deserve to be treated better, I tried everything to make it work, and all she did was make me realise her presence iny life
That's not enough, it's unfair that I do everything and she just exists. I have confronted her many times, but nothing changed. She finds it too hard to communicate. She keeps hurting me when she avoids communication.
I always feel like I'm arguing with her when I try to express my feelings. And then I feel sorry for being mad at her, I keep going back to her. She won't let me end things. I accepted the fact that she will never have a proper conversation with me, it's too much for her.
But for me, it's the least she can do, I don't want her planning dates or making plans, I don't want her to give me gifts or do anything for me. I just want her to talk. I don't know why it's so hard for her.
I knock on her door, the lift wasn't working either, I had to take the stairs till the seventh floor.
"Hello- are you drunk?" She asked. I shook my head and walk in. "You can't get here drunk" she said. I let my body fall into the sofa, feeling her legs given up, and my back sore. "I just reached now, don't start" I said.
I want to say her so many things, I feel like I've created a loop, she says something that hurt me, and then I express it to her. She finds it rude or inappropriate, and I know my dilevery of words is very rude when I'm hurt.
And then I feel sorry because I was rude to her, I regret what I say and apologize. It's either this, or from a few days I'm just telling myself to stay calm. Even if I'm hurt, I'm not expressing it, because it becomes a bid deal if I expressed what hurt me. I keep consuming it, and she keeps saying what she has to, stabbing my already bleeding heart.
It feels like she has stabbed me deep, and her words keep tugging onto it, pulling it out slowly, almost equal to nothing. It hurts either way. The only difference is that I hurt even after trying to do everything, and she's hurt because I expressed what has hurt me.
It's not fair, she's everything I want, but she's everything that's hurting me. She gives me a glass of water. "Can we go out tomorrow?" I ask. "Where?" She takes a seat next to me. "Anywhere, you say" I sip water, getting ready for what's gonna come. "I don't want to"
Yes here we go, this is what I meant. Now if I really want to go somewhere with her, it takes me 20 hours of convincing, giving her reasons why we should go there or do a perticular thing. "why tho, we're free tomorrow" I place the empty glass on the table.
"I just don't want to, you can go if you want" she says, scrolling on her phone. What does you can go if you want means? I want to go out with her, but it's not the first time she did, "but why? At least give me a reason" I say, I always try to convince her for every little thing I wish for.
And I don't know why I'm always ready for whatever she says, and whatever she wants. And by the end of the day, I'm the one who's mean and rude. "I just don't want to, that's it"
"You won't get convinced either?" She shook her head. I sighed, looking at the time, seeing that it's late already, I decide to sleep it off.
