• A Blackbird's Serenade • (GxG)

"Swan Lake"

Journee

I wasn't going to let Angie's words get to me.

I'd thought about them, yes, because I love and care for what I do. This here's a dream come true, and what she'd said made sense. She wasn't wrong.

But I also love Tiana a million times more. I don't think I could help that if I tried.

If I was weird with her for a few days, I hadn't meant to be, truly. It probably seemed out of the blue, the random change from before that conversation with Angela to afterwards. And for that I owed her an apology, I should've told her what Angie said.

I should've talked it out with her... I shouldn't have pulled away, not even a little bit.

And now, I fear that I may have messed things up between us, though I think she's upset with me about something else, and just won't tell me what. Tiana gets like that from time to time, whenever something is weighing on her and she doesn't exactly know how to verbalize it. She did it when I first told her about this tour and she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay, and she's doing it now.

Only this time, I don't even care what her reasoning is anymore, because now I'm getting pissed at her.

I tried to talk to her. I nearly begged, for her not to leave me, without actually saying the words, after days of her finding any excuse she could to not be around me. I didn't understand, and I thought maybe it was because of the way I acted the night Angela talked to me, but it just had to be something else.

That wasn't like Tiana, and I didn't understand why she wouldn't just talk to me. Why she looked at me the way she did, why she kissed me as if it almost pained her to do so, or why she hardly touches me anymore.

When she left me alone, I cried. Then, I pulled myself together for the sake of my performance. And then, when she was still avoiding me afterwards, I cried again, going to sleep alone.

After that, a sense of anger had taken over. Just stirring, in whispers within my head and beneath my skin.

She didn't want to talk to me, or be around me, fine. Two can play that game. I wasn't about to beg her when she made it clear she'd rather there be a wedge between us than just tell me what the hell was on her mind. And I refused to let my heart continue to break over it.

Especially after today.

It's June 12th. Also known as the day I lost my family; the day that changed my life forever. And I woke up today with an indescribable heaviness on my heart, as I'd been doing on this day for the past four years.

I always thought it was getting a bit easier, and that I was getting a little better, as time passed... All until today would arrive.

Then to make matters worse, there's no show tonight.

No distraction, no outlet, no escape, from the emotions that I knew were coming in due time. And then there was the cherry on top. Tiana's nowhere to be found...

Our next destination is Chicago, Illinois, and we were a day's trip from the venue, leaving from Indianapolis. It's been nice, getting to see so much of the rest of the country, the world outside of Atlanta. Something I could only dream of doing since a little girl. But I'm here, and it's happening. And yet, I feel completely alone.

A day with Franklin would do me some good right about now. It always did.

He knows what day it is just as I do, and he understands it to where I don't even have to say a word. He'd be there, knowing I needed him, and I would be thankful more than he knew, leaning on his shoulder while sniffling as tears fell down my cheeks. We'd watch a movie or take a walk. 'Whatever you want Jo' he'd tell me, giving my forehead a soft peck that made me feel loved. 'Y'know I'm here for you...'