• A Blackbird's Serenade • (GxG)

"Here Comes The Sun"

Journee

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. And if anything, it's key.

With it, I feel relinquished of a particular hurt and pain, for I no longer wish to stress myself with holding onto it. With carrying it on my back or alongside me... There is a certain power and beauty in letting go that I never really acknowledged until recently. And it's saved me in more ways than one.

Before, I was angry and deeply hurt, from a number of things. I didn't understand why I was dealt the cards I was, or why I was still walking this Earth even.

Only, it was then that I realized that not a bit of that was any of my concern. It wasn't for me to worry about or feel discouraged upon, but for me to use as fuel. The fact that I am still here means I must not be done yet. And until that day comes, I must live without fear, and without regret.

I realized I had to forgive my father for leaving me, and for leaving us. I had to forgive him for not living up to his title, for he was only human at the end of the day. I had to forgive my first boyfriend for forcing me to bed him, and James for laying his hands on me. I had to forgive our society, and forgive people, for they know not what they do. I had to understand that everyone is with flaw and damaged qualities, just as I am. I had to understand that sometimes nothing makes sense, and that that's okay... Even when I sometimes feel like it's not.

Above all else, I had to forgive myself.

For all my blindsides and mistakes. For all my sorrows and scars. For everything I am, and everything I am not... I had to give myself grace, I had to... In order to truly heal. In order to be free...

Forgiveness is not at all easy, although really, it is. It's simply complex, and effortlessly intricate. In a way that a single hug could shatter the thickest of barriers, fading it to dust, and a few actions could speak a thousand words. In a way that the most minor of experiences could change the most stubborn of perspectives, and the deepest of loves could be exposed through the barest of looks.

It requires true humility, and true transparency. Starting with oneself, then progressing to others.

It's the acceptance that nothing and no one is perfect. That life isn't perfect, nor will it ever be, for anyone. Each of us have a purpose. Each of us have a story... And to forgive, to me, is to simply acknowledge that, and refuse to let it negatively affect you. To embrace the challenges and hardships with docility rather than resentment.

At first I couldn't do it. The mere thought of simply forgiving everyone and everything sounded pompous to me.

But then, I changed how I looked at it. How I looked at everything...

I had to view it as something I was doing for the growth and nourishment of myself, rather than other people. I had to water my own flower and be my own sunlight, rather than spend days withering away in waiting, for all of it to come to me.

It'd been about a week since I came home from the tour, and I've loved every bit of it. The everlasting rest, the days spent in, the home cooked meals, and being around her again.

Managing to sleep without her while on the road became bearable eventually, to where I could get through the night without tossing and turning, or drinking, or crying... But it was beyond nothing compared to being held in her arms again, or holding her in mine. It was nothing compared to listening to her heart steadily beat in the wee hours of the morning, feeling the warmth of her body against mine, or her smooth skin beneath my fingertips when I'd wake.