✔ 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐈, 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑚𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑠

[07] Error

As soon as I finished the stream, I let out a soft whimper and slumped down in my chair.

"What's wrong?" asked Kai curiously, who could hear my pathetic noises but couldn't see me because I was only connected to my friends on Discord.

Cursing inwardly, I clenched my right hand into a fist and tapped my forehead. "I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid," I repeated this phrase like a mantra, not addressing Kai's question at first. My emotions were on a rollercoaster and I didn't know how to deal with them. It was only now that I realized that I had probably made the biggest mistake of my life by writing a comment on Yeonjun's meokbang. And the violent trembling of my body was just a reaction to that.

But how was I supposed to know that he would go to my profile, watch my stream and then leave a comment?

The pure irony of fate seemed to hover over me. I could only hope and pray that he hadn't seen the whole stream. It had already been difficult not to let on when he had written the comment, but to mention the reunion afterwards had been sheer stupidity on my part. What if Yeonjun remembered me? What if he found out from the comments on the blog that I had been in love with him all those years? The thought of the possible consequences flashed through me like a lightning bolt and I felt as if I had made a fatal mistake that could turn my entire relationship upside down.

The next few minutes passed in a mixture of self-reproach and paralyzing fear. I couldn't imagine how Yeonjun would react to the blog. "What's wrong, Beomgyu?" I kept hearing my friends ask.

"I had a comment from MunchTimeWithYeon during the stream," I told them both.

She knew about my eating disorder and that I was watching Yeonjun's meokbang streams just to eat a few bites. But because I had gotten emotional and written that comment to him simply out of gratitude, I may have started something very bad. I gave the bowl of ramen I had started a scathing look and vowed not to watch those streams again. The thought that my feelings at the time were now possibly exposed gnawed at me like an indestructible doubt. I knew that my friends would try to reassure me, but their words bounced off me like a distant echo.

Stunned, I stared at the screen and the uncertainty seemed to eat me up from the inside. I would have liked to delete the comment and undo it. But I had already realized from Yeonjun's reaction that he had read it.

"That's cool, isn't it?" Terry asked in surprise, he could hear the confusion in his voice at my emotional outburst.

However, I was completely unable to answer the question and just shook my head in rising panic.

It was a complete disaster!

Every kind of scenery was playing in my head and many of them were definitely flashbacks triggered by my thoughts alone. "Beomgyu, you should...," Kai started, but I ended the Discord conversation without saying goodbye and went to my Twitch profile to take out the link to the blog. I then pressed the power button hard until my computer screen went black. I didn't hesitate for a second, every move was hectic, but also very precise. I reached for the adhesive strip, pulled off a piece and covered the camera lens of my webcam. I then jumped to my feet, went into the living room and drew all the curtains.

The darkness of the room enveloped me as I stood in my living room and stared at the dark curtains. My heart was pounding wildly, but the panic was absolutely unrelenting. "What have I done?" I whispered to myself, feeling the nausea rising inside me.

I slapped my hand over my mouth, ran to the bathroom and within seconds the two bites I had eaten returned to the surface.

Not only did I deprive myself of the opportunity to write about traumatic events, but I also made Yeonjun hate me. For telling things about his girlfriend that he certainly didn't think were real. I also wrote a lot of deep secrets on the blog that only strangers should see. I wanted to undo everything, spit out all my feelings with my nausea and fervently hoped that Yeonjun hadn't read a word.

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