Loving Miss Innocent : The Tendilla's Story #1

Axyianna Vxy Tendilla

Miserable, lost, hurt, scattered, and broken.

I was devastated when the woman I thought was my forever slipped away from me. I begged when she left, I badly searched for answers when she chose to break me instead of loving me.

Totoo pala yung sabi-sabi na 'If you give too much love, you’ll be left with too much pain that almost depletes and drains you.' This saying emphasizes the idea that excessive love and care can sometimes lead to immense hurt and exhaustion.

This quote from someone else really hit me hard. I feel stuck in a place filled with suffering and pain. No one can save me, even myself.

Alam mo 'yong pakiramdam na when someone you truly hold leaves you behind, it feels like being trapped in a moment drowning in pain and sorrow.

The emptiness she leave behind weighs heavy on my heart, making it hard for me to see beyond the overwhelming sadness. It's like being lost in a sea of memories, struggling to stay afloat during the waves of heartache.

Nakaka-tangina, 'yong gustong gusto kong makaraos sa sakit pero hindi ko magawa dahil wala naman akong kakayahang diktahan ang puso ko. Patuloy itong nasasaktan na kahit na tanggapin ng utak ko ang sitwasyong kinalalagyan ko ngunit hindi ang puso ko.

It still stuck in the time when she spoke those words that left me with nothing but shattered pieces. In that moment it feels like time has frozen, and I'm left grappling with the broken fragments of my agonizing heart.

"Axyianna, get up. You can't be fùcking stuck like this," my cousin said who always tries to stop me whenever I choose to drown myself in alcohol. It's the only escape I know to numb the pain, even if just for a few minutes.

"Zyga, do you think I can escape from this hell?" I asked, drunk and seeking help from my cousin's words.

"You may be in hell now, but hell is just a pit stop, not your final destination." A bitter smile escapes my lips as I let her take the bottle of alcohol in my hand. "Stop depending on alcohol to numb your pain. You'll only end up drooling even more. Instead, take control and help yourself. You're strong, and overcoming this pain is just a piece of cake for you, Axyianna." It's easy to say, but taking action is the hardest part.

I can't help it. Ito lang kasi ang alam kong kayang alisin ang nararamdaman ko kahit sa sandaling oras. Alcohol has become my escape.

Araw-araw, sa bawat sulok ng mansion, nakikita ko ang mga masasayang alaala namin ni Elara. Nakalarawan iyon sa kada sulok ng mansion parang isang bangungot na ayaw akong tantanan, tuloy araw araw parang sumisikdo ang puso ko sa lungkot at kirot.

And because of that I hardly ever go home to our mansion. I try to forget by keeping busy at work and drinking at night. Halos patayin ko ang puso't utak, ginusto kong burahin ang pagka-sabik nang puso ko para kay Elara.

I know I can't stay like that forever, I've even had moments where I imagined myself lying lifeless on cold stone, with alcohol being the cause of my death. But I was more amuse when I survive for all those tough years of hell that I can't help but to sarcastically clap at myself.

Pumasok ngalang sa isip ko na mas pinili niyang umalis kaysa mahalin ako, parang kasalanan na agad para sakin ang mabuhay at alamin pa ang salitang pagmamahal.

Araw-araw, nagiging madilim sa akin ang lahat. Araw-araw, nagigising akong may mabigat na ulo at kumikirot na puso. Parang gusto ko na lang ibaon ang sarili sa kama at matulog nang walang katapusan. Ginawa ko ang lahat para makalimot.

I even tried seeking someone's help, hoping that loving another person might heal me. But then, pakiramdam ko niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko. Hindi ko sila kayang mahalin ng totoo. Hindi ko kayang ibigay ang puso ko sa kahit na sino.