Match Point

Chapter 11: Do I Wanna Know?

(Do I wanna know?) 
If this feeling flows both ways?

(Sad to see you go) 
Was sort of hoping that you'd stay

(Baby, we both know)
That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

- "Do I Wanna Know," by Arctic Monkeys

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The morning arrived with a dull ache lingering in the air. I made it a point to be up with Anna as she got ready to leave for the airport. I brought her bag downstairs and made her some toast and coffee for the road. I wanted to show her I cared about her; I did.

When Anna's car arrived, I walked her out and put her bag in the trunk. I took her lead with affection and tried to keep it light. I opened the door for her to get in, and she leaned up to kiss me goodbye. I kissed her back and gave her a kiss on the forehead as she got in. I shut the door behind her. I hoped that the small kiss meant something and that we could still talk and work through this if we decided to try. I guess that's what I had to figure out. Was all this fighting, only two months into a relationship, worth it?

This time apart and being able to see Lettie tomorrow, one-on-one, would give me a better idea of what I wanted and how I was feeling. I hoped anyway. I owed it to myself and to Anna to figure out where I was with us. It also scared me too. Being alone with Lettie, I wasn't sure if I trusted myself.

Wednesday came, and the heaviness in my chest was still there, but maybe a little lighter. The fight between Anna and me from the night before still felt like I was wearing a weighted blanket. I wasn't prepared for the photoshoot or being alone with Lettie. Anna and I texted a bit yesterday, but everything still seemed to be up in the air. I couldn't shake the sadness and anxiousness about what was going to happen between us, but I had to put on a show for this photo shoot.

I got dropped off at the studio for the shoot, and my mind was still clouded with thoughts of Anna and our unresolved issues. I was nervous to see Lettie and about how I'd feel or act around her with everything. But as soon as I saw her, I felt relief. I entered the studio, and Lettie was frenetic. She was steaming a shirt near a trailer, which is where I assumed I'd be changing in and out of outfits. I smiled at the scene; the chaotic Lettie that I first met was back, but I knew she'd get it dialed in and under control soon. Lettie seemed to operate on the sets over the last few days like a seasoned veteran. I was proud of her.

Someone dropped an empty milk crate, and everyone turned to see what had happened. Lettie turned to look, too, and our eyes locked. I gave her a small wave, and she smiled back and gave me a wink. I was in trouble. Lettie had this magnetic presence that seemed to chase away my worries and apparently thoughts of my girlfriend without doing a thing.

I was greeted by the director overseeing the shoot and her assistant, who would be running the schedule by me.

"We have five looks to shoot today. I know you met with the stylist before the shoot, so you have an idea of what you'll be wearing. We will try and get you out of here as soon as possible," Julia, the assistant, said quickly as I followed her. "We are going to take you first to hair and makeup, and then we'll get you dressed," She smiled over her shoulder at me. I just nodded and kept following her.

I settled into a chair in hair and makeup, and a whole team, after introducing themselves, engulfed me. Someone worked on my nails, while someone else put a face mask on me, and then someone else was combing my hair. It was nice but also overstimulating.