Match Point

Chapter 12: Constant Knot

A constant knot in my gut
Tied with uncertainty and with lust
A classic case, I suppose

- "Constant Knot," City and Colour

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Lettie

"I cannot wait for Cat's reaction to this dress," Kiara laughed as I stood in the mirror, overanalyzing my look.

"Within seconds of clocking me, she'll tell me I look beautiful but should have worn a bra or nipple covers, and it should be like a foot longer," I laughed, knowing my mother, Cat, would have a lot to say about my look.

My mother was always very supportive, but her fashion choices leaned more conservative, and she sometimes couldn't help but tell me about how she was uncomfortable with my looks. I had zoned it out to where it wasn't something that offended me; it was just her, but she was also the first one to talk about how beautiful I was, how unique my style was, and how amazing I was at my job. My mother was very supportive, but sometimes, she had no filter and would say whatever crossed her mind.

As I turned to look at Kiara, her smirk widened. "Her reactions are my favorite."

"Cat has already messaged me to find out what I'm wearing and asking when I will be there." The more I stared in the mirror, the more I second-guessed my outfit.

"Is Tom still coming?" Kiara asked as she stood next to me. We gazed at each other in the mirror, and I smiled at her. She knew I was spiraling. "You look so nervous," Kiara pulled on my hand to tear me away from us looking at each other.

"Tom is still coming. He should be here soon, actually," I sighed as I looked at the clock.

Tom and I broke up, sort of before I left for California, to style Arctic Monkeys for Coachella and their photo shoots. I was trying to be okay, but I wasn't, and it wasn't fair to Tom. It really had come to a head after Alex asked me to be their stylist. I was always open with Tom about everything, except for how much I liked Alex. And once Alex asked me to come, it sort of opened a floodgate of emotions and realizations; I was not okay. I was still a mess from my breakup with Simon and definitely not where I wanted to be after being mugged. My business wasn't doing well. I was letting so much hold me back. But, the biggest realization was my undeniable attraction to Alex. 

When he asked me to be their stylist, it flipped a switch, and it became even more challenging to compartmentalize my friendship with him from my feelings for him. And worse, it was getting harder and harder to keep my feelings for Alex from impacting my relationship with Tom.

Tom was so supportive of me, my career, and my healing. He was genuinely the sweetest, most patient, and kindest person I'd ever met, but I wasn't in it. He deserved to have a fantastic partner. Before leaving for California, Tom told me to go and have fun. I was conflicted, but we both agreed that we were allowed to do whatever we wanted while away from each other. We promised we'd stay in touch, communicate, and figure out everything - breaking up - when I got back.

I was genuinely grateful for Tom. He came into my life for a reason: to force me to heal and spend that time working through all the pain and to force me to confront what I had been feeling for Alex. All of that seemed unfair to Tom and a one-sided reason for us to have met, but Tom grew, too. I think my, at times, delusional confidence rubbed off on him. He stood differently, was confident in his decisions, and didn't let himself get walked on as much. I was proud of him. I was proud of us; it all seemed very adult.

When I got back, Tom picked me up that same night to talk. We went to dinner, and he wanted to hear everything. My heart ached a bit as Tom praised me and told me how happy and proud he was of me for going and taking the risk. Was I being delusional and not giving him a proper chance? My heart ached for feeling selfish, but I was also looking forward to the future, and I knew Tom would be a part of it.