Dindin's
I WOKE up and that was when all my problem started. I woke up in Jayjay's arms. He was still asleep, but his arms were protectively around me – like he didn't want to let go. Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari ngayon. Why did I even give myself to him? Ah, because I want to. Hindi naman mangyayari ito kung hindi ko ginusto. Ginusto ko at kusang loob kong ibinigay ang sarili ko sa kanya, Ang kinatatakot ko lang naman ay kung anong mangyayari pagkagising niya. I know his reputation. He is my Jayjay but it still doesn't change the fact that he never sleeps with the same person twice. Will it be awkward for the two of us now? We live together, what will he do? How will we treat each other? Kaya ko bang harapin pa siya pagkatapos ng gabing iyon? Hindi ko alam. Anong gagawin ko?
I slowly put away his hand and climbed down the bed. Mabilis akong pumunta sa mga gamit ko. I took a pair of shirt and shorts, took a bath, cried a little and fixed myself. I will act as if nothing happened, kung ganoon ang gagawin niya ay ganoon rin ang gagawin ko.
I did my routine. I cooked breakfast for us. Muntik na nga akong mapaso dahil sa kakaisip kung anong mangyayari sa oras na bumukas ang pinto ng silid na iyon. Iilang beses lang sa buhay ko, ako nakakaramdam ng takot. The first time is when I saw my mother unconscious on the floor that day when we found out that she has cancer, the second time is when she was in that hospital crying because of too much pain and the third is that day when she died. Ngayon, takot na takot ako dahil hindi ko alam kung saan na naman ako lulugar. I thought that I found my place – and that is beside him, but now, I am not so sure.
Siguro ay dahil napakalalim ng iniisip ko kaya hindi ko narinig ang pagbukas ng pinto ng silid ni Jajay pati ng mga hakbang niya. Nagulat na lang ako nang bigla siyang magsalita.
"Divina, we need to talk." Mariin ang tinig niya. My back was against him. Nakatingin ako sa bacon na nilalagay ko sa plato. I cleared my throat. This is it. I took a deep breath and faced him. I couldn't look at his eyes.
"I... I know my place. I-I'm just someone you fu-fuck when you're out of your mind. Don't worry. I won't make t weird." Sabi ko na lang. Sinubukan kong pagaanin ang tinig ko. Anong gagawin ko? Naiiyak pa nga ako. Gusto kong maglupasay sa harapan niya pero hindi ko ipakikita sa kanyang nanghihina ako.
"No. It's not about that."
Napatitig ako kay Jayjay. Nagulat ako nang mapansin kong napakalapit na pala niya sa akin. Napaawang pa ang mga labi ko.
"Last night, you called my name."
Kumunot ang noo ko. What is he talking about.
"You said my name, Dindin. You remember me." His voice is kind of fading. Oh. Did I call him Jayjay accidentally? I did. Didn't I. Is this why he looks like this now? He wants to talk about that now. I bit my lower lip.
"I... I didn't know at first." Nagyuko ako ng ulo. "I swear I didn't." Nag – iinit ang mga mata ko. "Then... I read your letters..." My tears started to fall.
"So you know how desperately I am missing you. You know now that I love you. You know how much I long for you and how much I wanted to say goodbye when I got adopted." Palapit siya nang palapit hanggang sa ma-corner niya ako sa may kitchen counter. Kinuha niya ang platong hawak ko at inilapag sa counter na iyon, he, then took my hand and kissed my fingertips.
"I love you so much." He cupped my face. "I love you so much."
Hindi ko na napigilan ang pag – iyak. "You cannot do that." I was sobbing lightly.
