Dindin's
I HAVE no idea where to go but I found myself roaming around the busy streets of the city. I didn't want to cry. Why would I? Hindi kawalan sa akin ang hindi pagtanggap ng sarili kong ama. He knew who I was. He knew about my existence but he chose not to acknowledge me. Choice niya iyon. Hindi sa akin at hindi kay Mama. Wala kaming kasalanan kung ayaw kaming tanggapin ni Rogelio sa buhay niya. To think that I almost ruined someone else's life just because of the thought that my life would be perfect if I have my father with me.
Akala ko lang pala iyon. Malaki talaga ang pagkakamali ko. I grew up thinking that I am incomplete because I don't have my father with me. May mga panahong sinisisi ko si Mama kasi ganito lang kami, may mga panahong gusto kong ipamukha sa kanya noon na mas maaayos kami kung pinili niyang magpakita sa tatay ko but I guessed even if she decided on that, hindi pa rin mababago, hindi niya pa rin ako tatanggapin.
Napagod na ako at nagpasya na lang na maupo sa open chapel sa loob ng isang park sa loob ng mall premises. Kakaiba ang mall na iyon, may chapel sa gitna ng activity center. Hindi pa rin ako umiiyak, but my tears were already there, waiting to fall. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hated being helpless but here I am and I am so helpless. I silently grieved for the person I though my father would be. I know that he is ruthless, iyon naman talaga ang reputasyon niya sa business world, pero hindi ko alam na pati pala sa totoong buhay ay ganoon rin siya. Napaka – unfair sa akin.
Although at some point, I understand him. I understand the fact that he will always choose to protect first the child that he raised. Baka napamahal na rin naman sa kanya si Jayjay. Hindi naman mahirap mahalin si Jayjay. He is kind and lovable and it's not hard to see that. Kung may pagkakapareho man kami ng tatay na pinangarap ko iyon ay ang pagmamahal namin para kay Jayjay.
I took in a deep breath and thought of Jayjay. I jut hope that he doesn't take this wrong. Hindi ko alam kung anong ipapaliwanag o sasabihin ko sa kanya.
"You're that girl." I was suddenly caught up with that voice. I looked at my left and found a familiar face – sure akong hindi siya sa University nag-aaral but I know her. Hindi ko lang matandaan kung saan ko siya nakita. "You're the golden scholar." Tumaas ang kilay ko. Bakit niya ako kilala? Am I that famous that someone else from another school knows about me?
"Who are you?"
"I'm Kit's friend." She told me.
"Girlfriend?"
"No. Just friend. I saw you a couple of times in your university when I was there visiting Kit while watching him make a fool of himself." She laughed – iyong tawa niya pa ay may kasama pang snort. Napangiti na lang tuloy ako.
"How is he making a fool of himself?"
"Oh, you know the usual." Nagkibit – balikat siya. "So, what's wrong? I feel like your just like me. Trying not to cry for some reasons."
"Yeah..."
"Why?" She kept asking me. I sighed again.
"Life fucked me up."
"Same..." Parehas kaming natahimik.
"I mean... I am okay where I am. I am happy. Kahit ano na nga lang ang ibigay sa akin ay masaya pa rin ako kaya lang, parang, parang nagsisisi ako dahil sa mga naging desisyon ko sa buhay. It's like... I shouldn't be here."
"You are here for a reason." Wika niya sa akin. "My Lola – or as what my Tita used to call her, Dalaga – always tells us that we are here of a reason. Kaya kung iniisip mong hindi ka dapat nandito, isipin mor in na nandito ka dahil nilagay ka ng pagkakataon dito. I don't believe in shit like destiny or fate or whatever and us being here at the same night isn't a coincidence, we are meant to be here because in some ways or the other, we need something from each other."
