Dindin's
WHEN HE SAID that we will have coffee, I didn't realize that we will be having coffee in the premises of their home – the house where Jayjay grew up. Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko, kung paano ako kikilos, pakiramdam ko ay pinagmamasdan akong maigi ng tatay ko. Should I tell him? Does he know? What did he want from me? He gave me a kind smile – the smile that made my mother fall in love with him. Naaalala ko ang lahat ng kuwento sa akin ni Mama noong nabubuhay pa siya, how she fell for him, how he swept her off her feet, how they promised each other forever but things like forever doesn't exist.
"How long have you been staying with my son?" Kalmadong tanong niya habang pinaiikot – ikot ang teaspoon sa tasa ng kape niya. I couldn't really taste the coffee, all I can think about is the place where I am and how it should've been my ancestral home. How everything around here should've been my mom's and the life that Jayjay has now should've been mine.
If I didn't have feelings for Jayjay, siguro ay akin na ang lahat ng ito. Wala dapat akong pakialam sa nararamdaman niya. I have him now wrapped up around my fingers, but simple things like love can change even the evilest plan on the face of Earth. Now, all I can think of is Jayjay's welfare and his happiness. I am going to be everything that he needs.
"It's been eight months." I tried to smile. Nakita kong napatango siya.
"How did that come to be? Can you please tell me?"
"Oh... uhm. I am the golden scholar." He nodded at me. "But there was a conflict in my dorm arrangement and Jay-Jacob was kind enough to offer me a place to stay."
"My boy is such a kind soul." Parang nagningning pa ang mga mata niya habang sinasabi iyon. He looked so proud of Jayjay. I sighed and thought to myself; if he knew about me, and if I did the exact thing like what Jacob did, will he be proud of me too? I sighed again. Bakit ba kasi ako pumayag sa ganito? Pwede namang umuwi na lang ako at maghintay kay Jayjay sa bahay para hindi na ako magmukhang naiinggit dito. Hindi naman masama ang loob ko kay Jayjay, naiinis lang ako sa sitwasyon. It should be mine – all mine. But it's not and I should be feeling things way.
"Yes he is kind. Very kind, Sir. You raised him to be a good person." Walang abog na wika ko. Hindi ko nga alam kung saan nanggaling ang lakas ng loob ko para sabihin ang lahat ng iyon nang hindi nauutal at hindi nagbe-break down. I kept on smiling at him. Masakit nan ga ang panga ko, pero hindi pa rin nawala ang ngiting mayroon ako.
"I made sure that he is a great person, Divina. I want him to be a better man – the best man that he can be. I am not a good person, but I want my son to be one." May kung anong emosyon sa kanyang mga mata na hindi ko naman matukoy. Maybe he was talking about the fact that he knew he left a child behind and have betrayed a woman that loved him so much. Naging mapait ang mga ngiting mayroon ako.
"Uhm, sir, do you need anything from me? If not, can I leave? I have a lot of lectures to review." I said slowly. I thought that knowing my real father will be a deal breaker for me, akala ko mahahanap ko ang nawawalang kalahati kong sarili, but now that I am here with him, I am realizing so many things. Hindi pala. Akala ko lang pala ay hindi ako buo. I have my mom with me through my childhood and half of my teenage life, that meant a lot to me. It made me realize that I am indeed complete and I don't need a father to complete my life. I only needed him because of the things he can offer me and because of the fantasy in my head that things will be different if I am with him, pero hindi pala.
"Don't be silly. My EA called Jacob already. He will be here in a minute and we will all have dinner. I want to know my son's new friend. Hindi mo ba ako pwedeng pagbigyan, Hija?" Hindi ako nakasagot. Kung pupunta si Jacob dito, much better na hintayin ko na lang din naman siya. Kung uuwi naman kasi ako ngayon at wala siya roon, makakaramdam lang naman ako ng lungkot. I'd rather wait for him that go home so I found myself nodding at my father and giving him a small smile.
