𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐘 𝐏𝐎𝐕 ⚠️⚠️⚠️TW
Stay up every single night staring at your phone
Either attempting to gather up the courage
To turn these demons, these constant reminders
Of your loneliness into nothing more than a bad dream
Or praying just for one second you could feel The warmth of equally returned love
i hate life, i don't think it's worth living unless you have someone. i used to have people, eventually they start to fade away. i just want my people to stay, every time i look at them they are covered in darkness. barely able to be seen past the agonising thought of wanting to be gone, of desperately waiting for the day to come were i am taken in my sleep. the amount of times i've desperately tried but never succeeded.
Go out for coffee four times a week by yourself
Always bring your notebook, never stop writing
Leave little comics and thank you notes with your tip
Watch them smile as you get in your car
the loneliness has became comforting, it's got to the point where i'm not alone i'm worse. i hurt people around me because that's one of the only ways i can cope. if i'm not destroying myself i'm destroying the people around me. i don't want to hurt them but i do.
i'm a shit person i ignore people around me even tho i need there love, even tho i couldn't cope for ten more minutes without them. my brother, he doesn't care anymore. he always put in effort to get me to get rid of all these monsters in my head. he miserably fails obviously of how bad it's getting. and my girlfriend, i yell at her ruining her will to live. i would never let her get like i am. i couldn't let anyone get like this.
Talk down on yourself whenever possible
My life is shit because I deserve it, right?
You must have done something real bad
Its nearly impossible for you to cry now
i'm cold, i have nothing left in me anymore. i can't fight it, i need to leave this world. i need to do annie, i need to do fez and i need to do most important myself a favour. i need to just leave. my hand clutched the bottle i was shaking each pill rattling as it turned the cap of the bottle. i deserve this, i deserve to feel this way.
'𝐬𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐢𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐫' '𝐰𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮' '𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐮𝐩'
no matter how many times i've heard this meaningless shit it still has the same unhelpful effect. the feeling of dread when you hear it knowing the 'your loved' speech is coming. i don't want to hear that anymore. i swallowed each pill with a sigh of relief, i prayed this one would work. "please, please let me go i can't live this life anymore." each word causing an ache in my heart.
the memories played in my head of all my ignored cries for help. i used to be thirsty for help, now i don't want it now i am just ready to leave this world preparing me for impending trauma.
Allow yourself to lose interest in the things you love
Watch as you begin to take a backseat
To the world around you, don't fight it
Become a secondary character in your own motion picture
towards my braking point i couldn't even enjoy a day in bed. being there brings back memories of my past attempts, or when i actually found happiness in things. i can't find joy in sitting in silence with annie and just taking in each other's presence.
Drown every single one of your feelings
In old stolen rum
Learn to love the taste of it dripping down your throat
Find comfort in the warmth coming from your stomach
You're drinking bottled love now
my eyes started to fall shut, my body was heavy and my eyes fluttered shut. i could still feel everything around me. i could still feel the cool, brisk air flowing around my body. until i felt pressure. i could feel the tension in my room build up and a gasp of fear echo through my head. not again. i've failed again, and now i have to deal with the backlash.
You don't need other people to drive away your loneliness
You just needed to find a way to talk to it
i gave my everything to open my eyes just too see blinding light.
part twoooo?
