𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐘'𝐒 𝐏𝐎𝐕
lately i've been different, some might even say sick. i just feel like i'm not myself anymore, about a month ago it got a lot worse. i don't know what's wrong with me but i'm to ashamed to ask for help. even though it got to the point where i started to hurt myself, the pain takes me away from reality. i know i deserve the pain as well. i have pushed everyone in my life away, i say everyone i only have two people in my life.
my girlfriend and fez. i love her with everything but i am just upsetting her. i don't know why i do this it just happens. if she leaves i don't know what i'd do with myself if she broke up with me.if i'm honest with myself i'd probably kill my self. she is all i have to live for. i barely have her anymore, i drain everything out of everyone on days where i've already drained myself.
i don't even have fez anymore, he hates me. because every time i argue with annie she goes down stairs crying fez sits and listens to her. and i'm awful, i'm a fucking horrible and i know i am. i know what i'm doing.
i am listening to them talk about me. everything they say is true, i'm mean and selfish. the words they say replay in my head constantly. it's not the words that hurt me it's the fact that it's true that hurts.
"i'm going to have to go talk to him" annie said as i listened to her voice get closer to me. i counted her light footsteps up the stairs. about 10 seconds later i heard a light knock at my door. "what." i said as it slowly opened.
"are you okay?" annie questioned giving me a soft smile, not a genuine one i'll add. "yes now get out." i said coldly. i just constantly reflected all of my anger and own problems on her, no matter how many times i swear to myself that i won't upset her i go ahead and do it anyway.
"no, you're going to talk to me and tell me why you're such a cunt." her face grew angrier and my chest began to ache. "no, get out." i spoke again. my sadness was again fading into anger and i knew i had to get her out before i upset her.
"i'm done with you, i can't stand your ignorance at fucking all!" she raised her voice. without thinking i raised mind a lot louder. "i don't care! just fuck off you drive me insane!" that was a complete lie i love her more than anything and value her opinion more then anything.
my mind quickly jumped out of its daze and i realised what i'd done, everyone had as fez ran up. i have never yelled at her no matter how worked up i was i never yelled at her.
"i'm done with you," she said turning around. "okay." i said coldly. i couldn've broke down right then and there. "you've got a lot of fucking nerve kid." fez said following annie downstairs slamming my bedroom door.
𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆
i stood up and took a deep sigh before rushing into my bathroom, i went into my cabinet and took the sharpest knife i could see. the metal reflected my teary eyed reflection as i dragged it across my arm leaving a trail of blood.
i felt a sudden wave of nausea as it clicked that we had broken up, i loved and needed her so the reality of this was horrible. my head stung and my eyes were watering, my stomach turned as i took a shaky breath continuously hurting myself.
𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑
i heard footsteps coming up the stairs, i pulled my sleeves down and took the towel too my eyes as i took meaningful breaths.
"ash... ashtray i'm getting my stuff." annie rushed in as i clung onto my bathroom doorframe. she turned too me and looked me up and down, "alright..." i croaked thinking she was waiting for a response.
"what's happened?" she raised her eyebrows out of concern before she lightly walked over to me. she placed her hands on my face, i turned away letting out a sob not wanting her to notice what was up. "fez!" she yelled as she nervously walked towards the bed pulling me by my hoodie.
i stumbled trying to get myself there and i sat on the bed resting against the headboard. she sat on my feet and faced me with worry on her face. fez came into my room and instantly noticed something wrong with me, i shook my head as he hesitated to ask if i'm okay.
"the fuck happened man?" he shook me resting his hand on my shoulder, "nothing..." everything around me was spinning and i could feel myself beginning to loose consciousness.
"ashtray! what happened?" annie exclaimed looking over at fez wide eyed. "you broke up with me annie..." i sighed looking down, "i'm okay tho." i continued. "hm." fez groaned moving me and annie along as he sat next to me.
i could feel his eyes on me as i spoke too annie, i was still trying to compose myself. i was in a lot of pain, the sensation of my hoodie on my unclean, bleeding wrist was horrible.
"ashtray i'm sorry for everything, you're clearly lost i'm sorry-" she had been rambling on an apology for a while. "it's fine, i'm sorry too." i tried to end her chatter, she nodded half smiling. my primary focus isn't in her right now, it's on controlling my chest and trying not to cry. as well as not bleeding out.
"annie rue is gonna come over soon, she is down the street, can you go meet her and get some food?" fez said standing up, annie nodded looking back at me with teary eyes. "come here." i hugged her, she took a deep sigh as ease of my comfort. i avoided pressing my arms too her back so i didn't apply pressure and bleed.
"bye." she softly spoke, she stood up walking towards the door. she looked back at me waiting to walk her out, i stood up as fez looked me up and down suspiciously. i desperately focused on where i was walking as i felt dizzy.
"bye ma... be careful." i said just wanted her to get the fuck out. as much as i love her i just wanted to clean my arms.
she left and i slowly went to go towards my room, before i could walk three steps i wobbled into fez. "you're not okay at all." he sat me on the couch and looked down at me and i composed myself too tell him that i was struggling.
it was the hardest day of my life.
