Papillon - HS

Chapter 30

I cannot begin to count the hours I have spent crying. My eyes are so dry I keep sobbing without tears falling from my eyes. I began ignoring everyone, from Niall to Lou, even April who's been texting me non-stop after seeing videos of Harry's little performance last night. I have not even talked to her about it or how it made me feel, but I know she knows he made me feel like shit. She always has an inkling about these things.

The worst thing is that I thought he had meant all he said while I was pretending to be asleep. He sounded so soft and gentle, the most genuine I had heard anyone speak. But I guess I was wrong and he was just pretending, which is sick and twisted. Pretending to have feelings for someone, even when they are asleep? He needs to be checked into a mental hospital. It was not enough for him to flirt with me, telling me the sweetest things, he had to jokingly confess his feelings while I was asleep to mess with my unconscious. Who even does that? How does one begin to think about that plan?!

I just cannot believe I was the perfect victim for his crimes. Even that shitty ass nickname, partner in crime, is haunting me now. I should have known. I should have been more careful with my heart. I know there is not much experience on my end but I thought I was wise enough to not let man run over my heart this way. I guess his fame and my longing to be loved led me right along the wrong path, pushing me onto the cliff right when I thought he was into me as well.

Life has become so complicated, my dream job has become meaningless. Every second that passes is one long, crushing hammer hitting my heart and shattering it into smaller pieces with each blow. This is not how this was supposed to go. I was ready to go out into the world, become someone important, make a name for myself, find myself a home. I had the most perfect opportunity to achieve all this and have fun on the side. My parents always talked about finding a job so fun that it feels like a hobby instead of a responsibility. And I did it. I found just that. Now, I am regretting every single decision that led me here, in a hotel in Indianapolis after a shity night sleep on the bus from Nashville.

The clock is ticking and I cannot physically remove myself from my bed. I skipped breakfast, skipped the hangout and get together. I need to get out of bed and actually shower and get ready since I cannot skip my job. I gathered all my energy into writing a decent blog post. My return to the crowd needed to be amazing and I had no desire in actually writing a good piece. But my job demanded me to do so and I tried to deliver. I just hope my audience does not know me well enough yet to pass this off as a great piece instead of a depressing and crappy post.

After the longest sigh in the world, I decided to finally get up and shower. I picked an outfit that made me feel good. Harry may be a shitty man but I was not about to let him think he won whatever battle this was. I knew I needed to at least look great on the outside, even if I was rotting inside. So I got ready, did my makeup and decided to pretend I was never crying over a man. I finished just two minutes before we had to leave, which was great because it allowed me to grab my stuff, grab an elevator and get in the van without bumping into anyone.

I decided to be antisocial today. I kept ignoring the boys' messages which made my phone ring and buzz and vibrate. Not even Niall could cheer me up right now and honestly, I didn't want him to. I placed my earphones and played loud music as I made my way downstairs, completely ignoring everyone's stares or hands reaching out to try and catch my attention. Today was about me, my phone and Taylor Swift blasting in the background. Without knowing her, I knew she had felt exactly like I was right now. One, because she actually dated this dickhead and two, because she is the master of putting emotions into words and adding a quirky little tune behind it.

I could see the boys, except for Harold, trying to catch my eyes. They seemed worried and kept looking over at Harry and shaking their heads at him. I saw all of this out of the corner of my eye, of course, I was not giving anyone the last bit of my attention. I mainly did not want to be distracted and have to look into Harry's eyes because, as pissed as I am with him, those green eyes have an alluring way of convincing me there is nothing wrong in this world. I refuse to fall in his traps now.