Papillon - HS

Chapter 20

Harry's taking over my thoughts and I can't do this anymore.

I tried writing the blog post on our way to New Orleans but I couldn't focus at all. I kept looking at Harry, who knew I was looking at him so he kept making funny faces at me. Even when I wasn't looking at him, my mind returned to when we almost kissed and how playful he was on Greg's party. I couldn't even enjoy the concert in San Antonio because every time I looked at him, my mind wandered to my daydreams. The concert flew by, I didn't even notice when they stopped singing. A guard from security had to tap on my shoulder to let me know they were done.

My mind is not only replaying absolutely every moment I've had with Harry, it also takes me back to my conversation with Niall. April telling me to grow some balls and just kiss him already is not helping either. I have no fucking clue what is going on but I've never been the one who starts a relationship or kisses or anything for the matter. I don't think I'm confident enough to go over to Harry, tell him I like him and then just kiss him.

I didn't have any high school or college experiences that taught me how to act around boys. All my make outs and hook ups have been mostly strangers in bars down in Mexico. April and I were always trying to look for cute guys whenever she came with me on vacation to visit my Lita. I've kissed a couple of guys while at a bar when I had a free night when traveling with my parents as well, but that's it. I don't think I've ever had true feelings for someone. I can just remember having a few childish crushes in elementary before switching to being home schooled and travelling with my parents.

I don't know the procedure for telling someone you like them. I've never had a boyfriend. I don't know anything. I'm so inexperienced at the whole relationship thing and this just adds to my insecurities. Besides, it really is bold of me to assume this is leading to a relationship. I really need to stop overthinking everything because I honestly just feel like I'm exaggerating things in my head. I grab a little thing he has done and make a whole fantasy around it, adding what I think he's thinking or feeling at that time. But I don't know if that's the truth. That's just my truth. And I can't do this anymore.

 I really am going crazy. 

My thoughts are interrupted by three knocks on my door. I smiled, knowing who this is and tell him I'm coming. We're going with the crew to have some beignets at the famous Café du Monde and then the guys and I will be walking along Bourbon Street. I even asked Greg to come along but he said he had to meet with Michael and discuss the logistics for the next couple of stops. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and made sure I looked okay. I checked my eyeliner and flattened my hair. I took a deep breath, grabbed my bag, placed it on my hips and opened the door. Harry smiled but then coughed as soon as he saw me.

"Oh my God, are you okay?" I asked him and he just nodded but kept coughing.

"You uh-" he coughed again, then gulped. "You look amazing, V."

I looked down at my outfit and felt too seen.

"Oh, um, it's just, it's very hot here and I thought I might as well look for something comfortable that will not make me feel all hot an-" I began but Harry chuckled at my rambling. 

"You don't have to explain your outfit, Victoria. You look great, I mean it," he said, extending his arm for me to hug him. I did and he rested his arm on my shoulder and led us towards the elevator, "c'mon," he said.

I was wearing some really short shorts and a really cropped tee. I knew New Orleans was known to be a hot and humid place and I didn't want to risk being all hot and sweaty all day because we would be walking a lot. I felt too self conscious now that Harry had seen me but it made no sense because I subconsciously wore this to have his attention.