The real monster is in your mind

chapter 5 - fighting out of relapse

One thing that doesnt help is that Lily feels like everyone thinks she is ok now because shes eating, the voice keeps telling her she can't be sick anymore because if she was sick she wouldn't be able to eat anything and the people around her have started talking to her how they did before she stopped eating again. Her dad keeps talking about losing weight and "healthy" and "unhealthy" foods which is really, really triggering for Lily but she doesn't know how to tell him that without sounding rude. o she just sits and listens to the voice as it screams louder and louder at her.

"you know you where so much happier before you started recovery, or whatever this is other people online in reocvery are eating way less than you, and if you ever get weight restored you know you cant just eat what you want right? If you have to be a healthy weight you need to stick at the lower end"

Things aren't getting easier they are getting harder.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this" Lily cries to Lucy the next week

"Just keep fighting Lily" she says

"This is the hardest thing you will ever do and people aren't going to understand because it doesn't make sense to them but I see your struggle and I know how hard it is but it's so, so important that you keep going."

But she can't, the voice gets louder and louder and louder in the next few days and soon she's given up. Lily is crying, screamingm running to her room when people ask her to eat. To hide from everyone, from the world. Its safe there, but it's not safe from the voice. The voice keeps shouting wherever she is.

"Lily, you can't come out with us today unless you eat something before we go, your dad and brother will go on their own and I will have to stay here with you." she says

"I want to come though" she cries

"Well have some breakfast then, what do you want to have? I'll make you anything"

"I can't have lunch if I have breakfast" she says

"Listen Lily, lets just worry about breakfast now and we can sort out lunch at lunch time, now what do you want for breakfast?" her mum asks

"I-I-I don't know"

"What about porridge?" her mum says

"please don't say yes, you cant have anything and if you do you need to burn it of straight awway, walk circles round the kitchen or something"

"I guess...but only if it only has berries with it, I'm not having what the meal plan says to have."

"why are you having breakfast, you are ruining everything"

I want to go out

"no you don't"

yes I do

"your just going to get even moremiserbale, you know that right?"

maybe I will. Maybe if this doesn't work I will just stop eating all together

"Okay, are youo going to come down and eat it or do you want me to bring it up to you? I can bring mine up and have it in here with you aswell if you want me too?" asks her mum

"I-I I don't know, up here I think" she says

"Okay, I'll be back in a minute" says her mum as she leaves the room

"what are you doing"

"your making the wrong choice"

"LILY WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU CANT EAT THE FOOD"