The real monster is in your mind

Chapter 10 - Believe.

Lily feels like she is messing everything up again, she feels so guilty because she is clearly upsetting everyone and she wasn't meaning to. She feels like her parents deserve a better daughter, one who doesn't cause them so much stress and pain.

From then, she started hiding in her room. She started sleeping just to get way from everything then she would wake up in a panic because she had had a nightmare that she had eaten. The rush of relief she felt when she realised she hadn't wasnt like anything she felt before, this was something that she didn't realise could even happen, she was dreaming about food, thats how hungry she was and she felt like she was crarzy, she felt horrible for even wanting food. It gave her a feeling of power when she wouldnt eat the voice would tell her she was doing so well because she was doing all this stuff that everyone else was doing but she could do it on an empty stomach.

"Lily, we are going to the shops are you coming???" asks her mum

"if you are you need to have something to eat first"

"I don't want any food!!" she shouted

"please lily, come on its not good for you being like this. Your just staying in your room all the time, you havent come out for 2 days. It will make you feel better if we go and do something, get your mind of things abit."

"DONT GO OUT. IF YOU DO THEN YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE YOUR BURNING CALORIES AND SKIPPING LUNCH.!"

"Do I have to have breakfast? Asks lily nervously

"yes lily, come on."

"can I have this?" she asks pointing at a protein shake

she doesn't feel like shes eating if its a milkshake, she still feels guilty and it stil feels like to much but If she has nothing she feels like shes failing everyone around her again, and she hates tthat.

I don't even want to go out, why do I feel like this

She was sleeping the days away and isolating herself but after a few weeks when she turned back to full restriction, not just laxatives and exercise Lucy said she would have to send her to the treatment center that she was going to go to before if she didn't stop, if she carried on starving herself

"you cant do this lily, its like running a car without any fuel. Your body wont be able to cope with this forevere. weve only got one person under the ED team in hospital t the moment, we don't want to make that 2 do we..!"

"yes, we do"

no not the treatment center. Im not going there no way, wait but that means I have to eat

"don't."

I think I have to

. She had to go for another blood test and she hated that, she felt like she had failed. So she tried really hard to turn it around again. And she is now, but she has to go through extreme hunger and all of the horrible emotions again and that is terrifying. She has a challenge jar now too with all the scary foods in and she is trying really hard to do those, but they are so scary. She's done one so far and it was no where near as bad as she thought it would be but its still really hard, and this time its even worse because she knows she isnt underweight anymore so if she ends up eating to much again then she is terrified she will end up overweight.

"you know you need to take laxatives every time you over eat now"

they don't make you lose weight though, its just water weight

"I know but If you take laxatives it means your still doing things that people with eating disorders do, and you will feel less guilty if you have laxatives because you know youve tried to compensate

I don't know how to keep doing it secretly

"you betetr not tell Lucy"

its been 3 weeks, and im still taking them. I clearly cant manage it on my own can i

" why would you want to eat though and know you havent got the laxatives. You know how guilty your going to feel."

I don't want to miss out on stuff anymore.

So lily told Lucy, and lucy told lilys mum. Her mum broke down in tears as soon as she found out, lily felt so terrible. It was like one thing to the nexdt at the moment, her mum was being called in all the time to get told something else that Lily was doing or thinking which she shouldn't be or that people where concerned about. It was like a constant rolelrcoaster of one thing getting better then something else jumping in straight away, it felt like eevryone was just waiting to see what would be next at this point. Lily was giving up because she felt like she was hopeless because she couldn't seem to go any time without engaging with her ed in one way or another, whether that was known to other people or not, it could be as simple as just not having that extra chocolate you wanted but obviously nobody else wouold know that because these are the invisible battles in lilys mind every day.

When you don't eat it numbs everything else, it makes things feel not as bad and thats why lily keeps on going back to it. But thats not what is going to help her in the long term, she knows shes going to have to try again. She didn't come this far to just go backwards again every time. She is being honest with people about how shes feeling now, shes told Lucy how hopeless she feels and how scary everything is and how she wants to do anything to take the pain away. But she always tells her she inst going to give up on her, and when everyone else has already given up, Lucy doesn't. . And that is the one thing that keeps lily going in the really really hard times. Sometimes all you need is 1 person to believe in you and that can completely change how you feel.

Readers note - if you dont have that one person then ill be that person, i believe in you, you are brave, you are strong, and you are so much more than that voice telling you lies all the time, you are way better than your eating disorder. I love you <3