The real monster is in your mind

chapter 12 - angry at the world

If you don't decide to do something about it and actually try to get better you just keep going round in circles forever. You do that in recovery to, but eventually it stops. Eventually you do get out of it.

People usually only show the good bits of getting better, you get told you'll feel better but especially at the start it feels like its all for nothing and your getting worse. When you start feeling things like a normal person again that is terrifying and so overwhelming, whether its good or bad emotions those feelings are scary because you haven't had them in so long. What people don't tell you about is all the sleepless nights, the tears, the anger and the fights and how difficult it can be.

In the short term recovery feels like the hard option, but long term its not. Living with an eating disorder is one of the hardest things you can ever do, so is recovery but you have to choose your hard. Its recovery, living with theat voice taking away all your enjoyment forever or dying.

Theres so many things people with eating disorders do that arent talked about aswell because of the stigma so you feel like your crazy, like having to make sure other people have eaten. If someone lily knows has skipped a meal or had a small meal she feels like she has to get them to eat something otherwise she is anxious all day and cant think about anything other than what they have or haven't eaten.

"you need to get them to eat something, otherwise you cant eat. If they skip a meal you can to why are you eating more than other people? They probably think your eating to much what are you doing?"

Also purposely triggering herself whenever she feels like shes been doing well for to long with videos of people who are clearly not eating enough.

For some reason having an eating disorder or being super skinny is often put across as a good thing and glamourised in the media but there is absolutely nothing glamorous about it in reality. There is nothing "glamorous" about feeling completely controlled by food, there is nothing glamours about feeling dizzy all the time and not being able to go out, having permanently blue fingernails and no period and losing your hair. Using chewing gum as a way to trick your body into thinking youve eaten and drinking fizzy drinks so you aren't hungry, constantly thinking about food and planning what you can eat for the enxt meal. waking up just to want to go sleep again. Waking up in a panic because you think youve eaten Being freezing cold all the time no matter how many layers you put on. Almost passing out every day, over exercising and not being able to go out or make plans with family and friends because all you can think about are the numbers. Having your brain turn into a human calculator, Having no social life or energy, ruining your relationship with erveyrone around you and hurting the people you love but despite all this still not being skinny enough and not feeling sick enough even if you body is clearly giving up on you, even when you know you should be in hospital because you can feel your heart skipping beats or racing.

there is nothing good about being completely terrified of food and your whole life revolving around that, it feels like it makes things better and helps you but it really doesn't it just creates more problems. Its not some amgical superpower, its not a good thing to be able to run on nothing. Even if you get super skinny you still feel fat and think that you are. You don't even wear clothes to show your body because it makes you even more insecure, you ahte your body even if you lose the weight so you always wear jumpers and leggings or jogging trousers. You get dark circles under your eyes that are impossible to cover up and your skin turns completely white. You look sick, but you don't see it til you look back at photos and realise how awful you looked.

For some reason once you eat again people think its ok to start talking about being good and and with food around you, or telling you that what you eat is unhealthy and talking about losing weight in front of you or even to you sometimes. People don't realise how triggering that is, you have to try not to listen but that is almost impossible when other people are saying the exact thing that your thinking.