The real monster is in your mind

Chapter 1 - The beginning

A few months ago if you met lily callaghan you would have had no idea that anything was wrong however she was anything but okay, she's been struggling with an eating disorder behind closed doors for 2 years but she got so good at hiding it that no body took any notice and everyone just left her to get on with it until everything completely spiralled out of control after Lily went on holiday with her family and the realisation of the next year hit her.

That week on holiday the family got takeaways every night, they didn't cook any proper meals. Lily spent the evenings crying because she was terrified of the weight she knew she must be gaining, she had been trying so hard to keep her weight below a certain point and to resist the ravenous hunger that she felt ever day but when they went on holiday all her efforts went completely out the window. She got herself stuck in a cycle, she would barely eat during the day, only having the bare minimum of what her parents forced her to eat and try to do as much exercise as she could then come evening when she would eat something she felt so guilty and her brain told her to eat as much as she physically could so she had enough energy for when she wouldn't eat next day, this is what it has been like for the past 2 years although the periods of restriction are usually much longer than 1 day.

When Lily looked in the mirror she wanted to rip all the fat of her body, she would scratch and rub at her skin until it turned red raw, pulling at every bit of loose skin she had. The mirror was her worst enemy. Every day she would take a picture of her body on her phone as a "progress picture" so she could look back and see how much weight she had lost. She would save these pictures and compare them with pictures from years ago, she was jealous of the body she used to have when she was younger. She wanted to be that small again, but she was getting older so her body was going to change.

She would spend hours on her phone scrolling through pictures of skinny girls and people struggling with anorexia, , "what I eat in a day" videos where people where clearly not eating enough. Lily spent all day comparing herself to these people online and wishing she could be more like them and slowly the voices she had been hearing in her head for the last few years got even louder.

"you've eaten to much every single day this week, what are you doing? You where doing so well before with not eating, you where having panic attacks over it now your just eating til you feel sick every evening. Start again tomorrow, no food tomorrow. When you go home and go back to school you know you aren't going to eat anything til the evenings don't you, you cant have breakfast or lunch. you've completely ruined everything you had done this week youre a horrible person"

Every night on that holiday when the family would order takeaway Lily would purposely choose the lowest calorie thing she could find on the menu, she wouldn't have what she actually wanted because the voice screamed at her to loudly. She looked forward to the food coming but at the same time she dreaded it, she wanted tot eat but she dint want to because if she ate she felt like a terrible person and she was disgusted with herself for even wanting to eat anything, she felt guilty for wanting to eat.

She would end up eating other peoples left overs anyway and feeling even worse than if she had just had what she wanted. She wanted to rip herself apart, she wanted to go running until her legs where burning, eating food was the hardest thing in the world. The feelings where crushing her and she felt like she was carry the weight of the world yet she couldn't tell anyone because she was shamed and embarrased.

Lily and her dad decided they would do a food shop for whillst they where on holiday, but even that was a struggle for Lily. She walked around the shop and all she heard was

"you need to find the low calorie stuff"
"you need to have some veg with that otherwise its unhealthy"

"you cant eat that"
"why are you letting him buy that, it needs to be healthy"
"those things are full of salt"
"what is wrong with you you are so naive"
"get out of this shop. You don't need to eat"

She kept picking up foods, then putting them back then deciding she wanted them again but choosing something different, then she was going back down the aisles she had already eben down to put food back or swap it, all to try and please this voice which would never be happy no matter how hard lily tried.

Its relentless, you never get a break from it but when youve spent 2 years convinced you don't have an eating disorder you think its just normal even though that voice IS the eating disorder. People don't normally have voices this loud and angry in their heads, sure everyone has the odd thought about dieteing or losing weight but THIS extent is not normal. Its an eating disorder and everyone should know that but they don't, because the media makes it seem normal, diet culture makes it acceptable to go on "detox diets", 800 calorie starvation diets, 1200 calories a day being the ultimate goal number even though that is the recommended intake for a toddler.

Lily felt like she was compeltely ruining this holiday, before it even started she was sat googling the calories of everything she was going to eat and working out what she could have from mcdonalds where they would get breakfast from. Lily changed her mind over what she wanted multiple times as she sat tapping away at her screen,

"mum ill have the cookie"

"wait no I'll jave the brownie"

"No, the wrap"
"wait actually can I have a donut"

"i'll just have the cookie

"but I don't know if I want the cookie, do I want the brownie"

"just hurry up and choose something lily."

"but I don't know what I want"
"donut"
"no nevermind il have the brownie."

Lily held her breath hoping no one would've heard her phone when she accidently put it on loud and it said "250 calories" she quickly tried to turn the sound of. Her mum didn't say anything..she thought shed gotten away with it but she hadnt

"What did that say?" her dad asked angrily

"nothing" liy replied nervously

"250 calories." lilys brother said as she gave him and angry look

"Lily stop it, just enjoy your holiday stop looking at calories you don't need to"

"Oh lily, how many calories are in this then?" her dad asked her angrily and spitefully when his food came

Tears pricked at lilys eyes, she could feel herself getting shaky but shee tried to hold it together, she didn't want to seem weak but she couldn't deal with this. It wasnt her fault she had to know the calories in everything and couldt just pick something of the menu like any normal person would, her dad clearly didn't understand because she couldn't just "not think"a bout calories and enjoy the holiday for the week. Thats impossible when calories and food are the thing controlling your whole life and every decision you make. You cant simply choose not to do it or not worry about it, other people wouldnt die from anorexia every day.

When they got home the vioces got louder

"this time you are not going to binge, your not going to have any snacks. We are sticking with it, remember the rules. No eating til the evening, 1 meal a day thats it. And it has to be a healthy meal, you cant have pasta or anything unhealthy right?"

Readers note - if you are experiencing any of this and thoughts of not being "sick enough" trust me you are already sick, someone who is healthy doesn't want to be more sick or sick at all. Even if you are physically not underweight, please get the help you need. This applies to any mental illness, healthy people don't want to be sick. Physically or mentally, you don't have to get worse to be valid.