The real monster is in your mind

chapter 9 - smash the f* cking scales

TRIGGER WARNING - MENTIONS OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND PLANS - PLEASE SKIP IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY THIS 

 "you have gained so much weight and you look terrible, you cant go up another clothes size youo need to lose that weight you gained again"

no. im not listening to you

"why would you not listen to me that is the most stupid idea ever. Honestly you would be so much happier if you stopped eating again, you are just getting so fat and look terrible. Look at yourself seriously"

go away

"you know you are making the complete wrong decision"

"you nede to weigh yourself"

no

"you do, youve probablt gained so much"

no.

"yes, go and weigh yourself."

fine.

" LILY, THATS THE HEAVIEST YOUVE EVER BEEN. HOW HAVE YOU MANAGED TO GAIN ALL THE WEIGHT YOU LOST AND MORE IN A MONTH?"

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I WASNT EVER MEANT TO PUT THAT MUCH ON OH MY GOD

"YOU ARE SO HEAVY LILY, WHAT THE HELL."

I NEED TO RESTRICT HOLY SHIT WHAT HAVE I DONE

"YES YOUR RIGHT, YOU DO NEED TO RESTRICT"

shit.

Lily felt like she had failed and ruined everything. She had failed at having a eating disorder, the one thing she was supposed to be good at, and now she wasnt.

Text conversation – "lucy, I weighed myself and I weigh more than I ever have done before and im freaking out"

"lily, don't weigh yourself. It isnt heplful, its just a number"

"I feel terrible"

"well talk about it on friday ok? Your weight doesn't matter though."

Lily spent the rest of the week hating everything and everyone, she didn't want to talk, she didn't want to go out, she ddint want to wear her old favourite clothes, they all made her look fat and they felt to tight now. She wanted to crawl out of her skin and run back to her old body, she wanted anything other than this.

Lily wasnt even sure if she wanted to se lucy, when she starts strgulling again she doesn't want to see her because she know shell make her sto doing what shes doing.

"Lily, hello" Lucy said when she saw her that week

"Mum can you come in a minute?" asked lucy

oh no

"did you know that lily had weighed herself?"

"i- no" lilys mum replied looking anxious

"do you think you could hide the scales? Or get rid of them because weighing isnt helpful. you stopped knowing the number when you where weighed for a reason lily, it doesn't matter. Knwoing you weight isnt helpful for you."

"Yeah, yeah I can hide them somewhere. You will have to not go searching for them though lily" her mum said sounding annoyed

"I TOLD YOU YOU SHOULDNT OF TOLD LUCY YOU WEIGHED YOURSELF., NOW HOW ARE YOU GOING TO CONTROL YOUR WEIGHT YOU ARE SO STUPID. YOU KNEW THIS WOUOLD HAPPEN, WHY DID YOU SAY ANYTHING?!"