The real monster is in your mind

Chapter 7 - extreme hunger

Then extreme hunger hit. If you don't know about that then count yourself lucky, its shit and its the worst part by a mile.

Lily had Hayden and Benji come round to watch a film and they had lots of snacks, she baked cookies which she wasn't planning on eating (As usual when she cooks). The plan was to get hayden and benji to eat the food then lie to her mum and say that she had eaten some of it so she didn't have to eat anything later on but then she decided she would let herself have 1 cookie, just to join in a little bit but then she ate more of the cookies...then she ate some popcorn..then sweets. She felt like a bottomless pit that could never be full, no matter how much she ate.

"what the hell lily why are you eating that oh my god you are so out of control this is not nomral, look hayden and benij arent eating that much why are you eating you weren't supposed to eat anything you know that right, why arent you sticking to the plan"

she kept on eating, she had chocolate cookies crisps and sweets, everything she hadnt let herself eat for months and she felt so so guilty. The guilt twisted its way through her body and left her feeling like she was worthless and desrved to die. She felt physically sick but her brain was still telling her to eat more food, she stood up looking in the mirror and watched her stomach bloat in front of her eyes, she felt the urge to exercise, she wanted to make herself sick but she couldn't show any of this because Hayden and Benji would think she was crazy.

"LILY WHY ARE YOU STILL EATING? THIS IS RIDICULOUS. THIS IS NOT NORMAL..WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU"

Her stomach ached for hours afterwards but she still wanted food, she thought she was going crazy and she had convinced herself she didn't have an eating disorder anymore and she had been faking it the whole time. It bought balck flashabcks from when this used to happen and she knew she would have to starve herself the enxt day to make up for it.

Text conversation- "Lucy, lucy I don't know what happened, hayden and benji came over and we watched a film and I ate so, so much crap. I hate myself and my ED is telling me I cant have an ED anymore because I ate all that and I don't know what happened but I feel sp guilty."

"It's ok Lily, its normal for this to happen. Its your body trying to make up for all the calories you missed out on, we'll talk about it more on friday but the most important thing is you eat what you want and you don't restrict. As soon as you restrict your right back at the start because your body thinks it needs to prepare for more time without food"

"Okay, but I hate it and I feel horrible and so, so bloated"

"Lily, its ok. Just keep going and I promise you itll all be ok in the end"

"you cant have any dinner you already ate way to much, why did you dothat? That was so stupid you are so so out of control and everyone will hate you"

"I don't want any dinner" lily cried to her mum

"I ate loads when bemji and hayden where here"

"You need to at least have something, just so you have had some dinner" her mum said

"I DONT WANT TO" lily shouted before sitting on the floor, curling up in a ball and crying her eyes out.,

"LILY YOU HAVE NO CONTROL, YOU ARE SO OUT OF CONTROL. YOU HAVENT GOT ANY WILL POWER WHY DID YOU EAT THAT? YOU ARE HONESTLY THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD. YOUR GOING TO HAVE TO DO SO MUCH EXERCISE TO MAKE UP FOR THAT."

"Lily, im making boiled eggs. Can you at least eat one of those?"

"NO! why would you eat anythign else after everything youve already have? You clearly don't need anything else you look so fat now oh my god hayden and benji must think you are absolutely disgusting they saw everything that you ate, what if they go toschool and tell people? Your whole reputation will be ruined and no one will want to be around you when you go back. You know that right? People wont want to be your friend anymore once youve put on weight and fi you keep doing this you are going to put on weight"