The real monster is in your mind

Chapter 11 - It will be ok, i promise you

Recovery is so confusing because one minute your making progress and your eating everything that you want, the next your crying over a slice of toast. You feel guilty for getting better, but you feel guilty for getting worse. You want to get better but your also terrified of what life would be like if you where better like and who you would be then, you notice the qualities about yourself that other people like and you find new hobbies but at the same time you still feel like your worth is completely determined by weight and that people wont like you if you cary on gaining weight.

Its like a constant battle, and not just over food. Its over your personality and who you are, whether you want to spend the rest of your life trapped in a calorie and exercise obsessed brain or living a free and happy life in a slightly bigger body (believe me when it gets bad you don't want to leave it) You have to be strong and that's so hard, because your unlearning habits that you've been engaging in for years. Learning that food is just food, and everyone needs food. It doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't have to be the best tasting thing ever to make it worth eating, its to keep you body working and keep you alive and its allowed to be enjoyed. The smallest thing could send Lily spiralling backwards so easily, and it wouldve a few months ago but shes learning to not let that happen, if you give that voice and inch it will take a mile, and no matter what you do it will never be enough.

Lily is slowly realising that she is actually happier when she eats, when she doesn't shes miserable and has no energy, shes cold and she cant think about anything other than food or engage in a normal conversation or activities. She ends up watching videos of food just to try and make the cravings go away but its not the same, and that just makes the voice stronger. Its not worth it. She doesn't want to just keep on going round in circles any more, she wants to actually recover. Resisting the urges to make yourself sick or exercise or take laxatives and skip meals is one of the most torturing things ever, it feels so impossible at the time but if she wants to get better she has to stick with it. Otherwise it will never go away.

You don't realise how consuming it is and how much its taken over your life til you try and get better, then it suddenly hits you and you realise you cant just stop because its gone to far and what you thought was giving you control is now completely out of your control and its controlling you and your whole life. You have to choose to get better and not give in every single day, every time you eat, every time you want to try and compensate. Lily second guesses if she actually wants to get better all the time, but in her heart she knows she does even if it doesn't feel like it a lot of the time. Shes given 2 and a half years of her life to this and thats enough. She doesn't need to give anymore or waste anymore time.

She is slowly starting to see things more clearly, shes realised now even though shes been in "recovery" for 4 months shes been stuck in that same cyle she was at the start, she would only let herself have a small breakfast and lunch which didn't give her the energy she needed to get through the day then when she had 1 snack in the eevening when her mum told her too then she would end up eating to much because her body was trying to make her store food up for the next day, because it knew she wouldn't eat again. She didn't feel in control when she would eat, she was scared to have any snacks because she knew it would proabbly end in her eating to many and that is one of the msot terrifying and painful things ever.

"what have you done, you look so so so fat look at yourself, you should make yourself sick or get some more laxatives or something. Just do something you cant keep that food in you or you are going to gain so much weight, go exercise. Everyone must think you are so disgusting for eating all that. you cant tell anyone about it, if they find out they wont like you and they wont want to be around you anymore because you are a terrible person. You should not be eating anything, you don't desreve food and you need to skip all your meals tomorrow"

no. ive tried skipping meals afterwards and its not helped, its just keeping me stuck for longer

"yes, because why would you want to get better"

if youd of asked me before I would of said I didn't, but I do now I don't want to be trapped with you forever

"thats the most ridiculous thing ive ever heard"

I don't care. Im not going to get rid of you unless I ignore you

"you shoudlnt be getting better"

I question that myself to, but I think I would be happier if I do get better

"I don't, you can restrit tomorrow"

we'll see.

"you know your completely failing at having an eating disorder right now, your supposed to be anorexic"

maybe I don't want to be anymore, it is pretty boring when you think about it, who would want to be around someone who cant think or talk about anything other than food? Its boring. Plus I actually don't look half dead now, looking back at those pictures you made me look awful then you lied to me and told me I was still not skinny enough

"you weren't and you definiely arent now, look at you"

AT LEAST I HAVE A LIFE NOW! What was so good about being stuck in the house all the time, what was so good about being so skinny that I couldn't even wear what I wanted because deep down when I looked past you I was insecure because I knew I was TOO SKINNY and I thought people would freak out if they saw what I actually looked like, having literal bones sticking out of you everywhere is not healthy!!!!

"I don't care what healthy is and you shouldn't either"

I know you don't care but im starting to think maybe I do, everything feels different now, it feels good. I made a mood board to and that is what I want my life to look like, not hospitals, or doctors appointments all the time

"no, your lying to yourself. YOU WANT HOSPITALS, YOU WANT DOCTORS, YOU WANT PEOPLE WORRYING ABOUT YOU, YOU DONT WANT A LIFE.THROW THAT STUPID MOOD BOARD IN THE BIN."

Maybe it isnt what I want, maybe youor right but I wont know if I don't try. I can always come back to you but im giving life one last try first.

"youll come back. Believe me you will"

I might, but I'll sure as hell not stay with you for longer than I need to this time.

"bet you will"

I wont, this is so much better than when I wouldnt eat anything, how is being how I was before and constntly being scared of eating and nearly dying better than actually haing a life?!! your stupid.

"im not stupid, you are the stupid one."