painless.

CHAPTER 010.

"you-no, not you, not hanta, not happening, not happening." katsuki whimpers to himself, curled up into a ball on his bed. after he got home from neito's, he promptly put himself in this position. he's never really had a panic attack before, but he thinks maybe he's having one now.

his mind is twirling around memories of hanta and what they did together and what hanta ended up doing to him, his muscles feel like they are going to be ripped out from under his skin-which, itself, feels like it's boiling. his fingers are firmly wrapped in his hair, and he is rocking back and forth, trying to slow his heavy breathing. how one boy could do this to him, he does not know. actually, he does know, but he'd rather not think about it right now.

he can cope with this panic attack ( or whatever is happening to him ), until his mother walks into the room and sees him in this vulnerable state. sure, she saw him in more vulnerable states; like, when he was a baby and when he's asleep. but, this time, it's different. it's different.

"mom, go away. please, go away." katsuki cries, not looking up at his mother.

mitsuki disregards katsuki's pleas and comes closer, resting a hand on katsuki's shaky back. he yelps, scooting away.

"go, mom, go!" he shouts, burying his face in his knees.

"katsuki! settle down. what's wrong?"

"did you not hear me before? i want to be alone! go away," katsuki sobs. "please."

"i'm not leaving until you tell me what's bothering you."

"go, go, go." katsuki whimpers, his eyes burning from the saltiness of his tears.

"fine, i'll go. but, i'm coming back in ten minutes. okay?"

"okay." katsuki clenches his eyes shut, trying to stop the tears. he's eighteen, he shouldn't be crying over this! that's what he thinks, anyway.

when katsuki still lived in tokyo, when he was fifteen, a boy moved into town. hanta, was his name, and katsuki thought he had nice black eyes and a cute nose and straight looking black hair, and that he was definitely boyfriend material. when they first talked, hanta had admitted that he was bisexual, which made katsuki doubt this beautiful boy's existence.

katsuki's chest squeezes as he thinks about the first time the two met. hanta seemed so innocent, and katsuki had never expected what hanta would do to him in the future. hell, he still doesn't quite believe it really happened.

hanta was in all katsuki's classes but one-katsuki wasn't very good at spanish. in some classes, they sat right next to each other. in others, they sat across the room and had to give each other secretive glances that no one but them noticed.

that's how it started, anyway. hanta and katsuki's relationship was never really normal. is anyone's? hanta always secretly had his eye out for other boys. katsuki knew this, but he refused to acknowledge it. if he didn't, he thought it would go away. it didn't, but katsuki knew that hanta would never act upon these impulses for other boys. well, he thought.

pulling the blanket over his head, katsuki tries to hide from the memories that are flooding back into his mind. he knew his mom would be coming back in at any moment, and he wanted to hide from her, too.

hanta liked to cuddle. he liked to hug and kiss and tickle katsuki all the same, to see katsuki's eyes light up made hanta's day. he liked to listen to katsuki's cheesy jokes and tease him about his hair. ( in which he really did love, dearly. ) but, katsuki wasn't ready for anything else hanta wanted, so he resorted to katsuki's best friend, denki, for those kinds of needs.

denki is the name that katsuki hates the second most, right behind hanta. but, a little part of katsuki doesn't hate hanta. that part of him thinks that the boy that took him on cute dates to the parks and not-so-fancy restaraunts still is in there, behind the guy that was fucking katsuki's best friend while he had been dating katsuki, for a year and a half.

katsuki bites his lip as he hears the door knob turn and the door open. he stays curled up under his blanket until it's gently taken off his shaking body. he's surprised to see that it's not his mom in front of him; it's izuku. even worse.

"izu, get away." katsuki says as soon as red eyes meet green.

"no, katsuki. what happened?" izuku says softly. izuku's trying to ignore the rejection. he left shoto's house as soon as he heard what was happening with katsuki.

"i don't want to talk about it, go, now." katsuki turns his head away from izuku so that he won't see that more tears are slipping down his cheeks.

izuku takes katsuki's face in his hands, turning it to face izuku again.

"will you please tell me what's got you upset, love?" izuku coos, looking straight into katsuki's pretty, crimson red eyes.

katsuki doesn't want to, but he gives in. he lets izuku's arms wrap steadily around his shoulders as izuku sits on katsuki's bed behind him.

"my, uh, e-ex boyfriend," katsuki pauses, shutting his eyes and shaking his head before continuing. "i saw him today," he clenches and unclenches his fists. "he was-he was sleeping with my... my best friend, and-for the whole time we were dating. that's why we broke up." katsuki's head drops down. "i don't know what i what i did wr-ong." katsuki hiccups, so izuku rubs his back, gently. "i don't know why he's in musutafu. i want him to leave. i-i never want to see him, ever ag-again."

"you don't have to." izuku says, but he doesn't know that he's lying when the words leave his lips.