'°☆ tied to the thread •°

III

The hospital wing was empty with the exception of herself, Professor Lupin and the matron, Madam Pomfrey. She sat on a bed beside them and stared at her hands resting in her lap. She traced the red imprints resembling a crescent moon on the back of her hand. She had dug her nails into there earlier. Lupin explained to the matron what had happened in a few sentences, before leaving to inform the headmaster about it. Adriana frowned at the thought of everyone suddenly knowing about her secret. Madam Pomfrey turned around to face her and asked to see her arm. She rolled back her sleeve shamefully and exposed her cuts. Madam Pomfrey took her arm and brought it closer to her face to examine them carefully.
“Those are quite a few. Are there any more?”, she tried to meet the eye of the girl who kept her gaze fixed at her lap, but shook her head.
“Are you sure?”
She nodded. Madam Pomfrey let go of her arm to get an ointment and bandages. She applied it carefully and Adriana felt a warm and tingling sensation coursing through her skin.
“They should heal within a few days like this. I can’t do much about the scarring though.”, the matron said while wrapping the bandage around her arm, “You know it can’t continue like this, right? And keeping quiet won’t solve anything either.”
Then she sat down next to the girl and asked the same question as Lupin did before.
“When was the last time you ate something?”
Adriana shrugged her shoulders. She didn’t remember.
“Do you still have your period?”
Now that Adriana thought about it, she hadn’t had her period in some time. She hadn’t even noticed. She shook her head.
“I’m not surprised.”, Madam pomfrey said and grabbed Adrianas hands, “Your hands are icy. You’re as pale as a ghost. Your body is shutting down.”
Lupin returned to the hospital wing soon and asked Madam Pomfrey what conclusion she came to.
“She needs to talk to someone. We urgently need to get her to eat something too. Things are looking everything but good right now.”
Lupin nodded.
“Thank you, Poppy. I’ll take care of her. Is there anything else I need to know?”
“No.”, the matron shook her head, “The cuts should heal within a short amount of time.”
“Thank you.”, he said and motioned for Adriana to come along with him.

Lupin’s living space might’ve just been the room with the most homely feeling to it in the whole castle. Rows of bookshelves as high as the ceiling stood against the wooden walls. A huge, fluffy carpet lay on the floor. Two comfy armchairs, a sofa and a coffee table stood on top of it. The afternoon rain ran down the window panes. The room was dimly illuminated by a cackling fire in the big chimney. Lupin came through the door with a tray and set it down on the low table. He poured hot herbal tea into two mugs and gave Adriana one of them.
“Thank you.”, she said so quietly, you could’ve almost considered it a whisper.
Lupin sat down next to her. The girl clung gratefully to the warm porcelain. She sat bent forward, her elbows resting on her knees. The steaming tea hit her face and she stared absent-mindedly into the flames.
“You do understand that we can’t just let your struggles go unnoticed, right?”
Adriana nodded. She was still scared, but not as panicked as earlier anymore. She understood that she wouldn’t get around opening up to some and it terrified her.
“It’s been going on since the end of autumn, I heard. Is that right?”
She nodded anew.
“What happened back then? And please, don’t say ‘nothing’.”
“I…”
‘This is going to be much more difficult than I had anticipated..’, she thought.
“I just needed something to distract me.”
Even the noise the fire made was louder than her voice.
“Is that why you do it? To distract yourself?”
Adriana nodded.
“It feels familiar. It feels safe.”
“You stopped eating. Why’s that?”
“Control. Distraction.”
“What are you distracting yourself from?”
She took a sip from her mug and bit her lip.
“Adriana?”
“My thoughts.”, she whispered.
“What sort of thoughts?”, Lupin asked and moved closer to her, “What sort of thoughts are those?”
The girl shook her head.
‘No more.’, she thought, ‘I’m going to cry.’
“I know it’s difficult to talk about this, but it’s necessary. You can trust me, I promise.”
Adriana set down the mug on the table and buried her face in her hands. She burst into silent tears.
“Nothing I do is ever good enough.”
Lupin laid his warm hand onto her shoulder.
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m insufferable, I know and I’m sorry. Just leave it be, I’m fine.”, she sobbed.
“I thought I’ve made it clear that I will not just leave it be, because you’re obviously hurting. You deserve to be helped.”
“I don’t, I really don’t”, she pushed through gritted teeth, “I’m a terrible person.”
“Why in Merlin’s name would you say that?”
“I always mess everything up, it’s always the same. I’m the worst student Hogwarts has ever seen.”
“Adriana, are you sure we are talking about the same person? Because I’m quite certain the top of her year is sitting next to me.”
She shook her head.
“What sort of role model am I for my sister? I’m supposed to take care of her and here I am, crying about all of this stupid bullshit. Oh this is all so…”
But she didn’t finish her sentence, her voice failed and she started crying heavier. Lupin let her and kept rubbing her back reassuringly through all of it. Adrianas crying died down after a while and she apologised.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to bother, I’ll be going now.”
She was about to stand up, but the professor dragged her back down onto the sofa.
“You’re not going anywhere. Will you please understand that it currently isn’t safe for you to be alone and I’m worried for you?”
Adriana stared into the fire.
“Your feelings are important and you shouldn’t feel the need to apologise for sharing them. I’m actually really grateful you had the courage to open up at least a little. Can you maybe do that a little more often? To avoid your feelings eating you from inside out.”
“I’m really dreadful at this, I’m sorry.”, she whispered.
“You’re not, stop speaking so badly of yourself. And there is still no need to apologise. We need to figure out something that helps you.”
He eyed her thoughtfully before adding something.
“Are you willing to get out of this?”
Adriana looked at him.
“I… I don’t know.”
“Well that isn’t a no.”, he smiled tenderly, “Look for me the next time you feel like hurting yourself, okay? I don’t care what time it is. I need you to come to me before you do anything.”
“I can try…”, she mumbled.
“I know that this is a lot at once. Is it okay for you if you come here again tomorrow afternoon, at the same time?”
She nodded.
“I’ll walk you to the Ravenclaw tower then. Shall we go?”

In front of the tower, Lupin put his hand onto her shoulder again.
“It’s going to be okay.”, he reassured her, “Oh and Adriana? Please tell your friend Miss Lovegood to come out for a second if she’s in there. I’d still like to have a quick word with her. And as for you, I expect to see you at dinner tonight.”

Adriana stared out of one of the dormitory windows onto the drenched Hogwarts grounds. The door opened and Luna returned from her talk with Lupin. Adriana turned around and Luna approached her. They looked at one another for a while, before Luna embraced her wordlessly. They stood like this for what felt like an eternity before either of them said something.
“I’m sorry Luna, it’s always the same with me.”
“Don’t apologise. I’m so glad you’re here.”
“I love you.”
“I love you more, Ana.”