Shadow and Light

31

The Light

I had left her there, on the bed, her eyes were studded with tears that I knew she didn't let fall.

I had made a mistake, I knew that, she didn't need to know that.

I wasn't myself when I took her lips in mine I wasn't in my senses, I wasn't thinking straight.

But when I saw her so close to myself, her lips so perfect I was tempted to take them in mine, I wanted her more than anything in that moment, I wanted to be with her, all night, I wanted her to scream my name.

But then the reality hit me hard on the head, I wasn't supposed to want her, I wasn't supposed to need her.

But I did, I wanted her, I needed her. In my arms, every hour of everyday, and that's where I lost myself, I was angry with myself, how can I love her? How can I love her when I already lost my heart to another woman? How am I supposed to give her my everything when I myself didn't have anything? I had given everything away, to the woman I loved.

I ran away, from my wife, after kissing her, after giving her hope that this can be a marriage of love rather than of convenience,  I had done the one thing that was forbidden in our marriage. 

I hated myself for doing this to her, what was her fault? That she killed some monsters?

I was awake for the whole night laying on the sofa, thinking about my every memory with her, but at some point, my brain played the instances of Renuka, the woman of my dreams, the woman I love.

I loved her since the day I saw her, from the first meeting to the last one. She had died, leaving me behind in this cruel world.

I miss you, Renu.

I squeeze my eyes and rub my forehead because I was thinking about my late wife when I had just recently eaten the lips off of my current wife, I was so pathetic and I knew it.

"What are you so worried about?" I heard a voice penetrate the silence, "Nothing" I answered back to my brother, "You can't lie to me" he said, "I am not lying" I rebated, "You are" he countered, "Am not" I spat back, "Fine, don't tell me" he threw up his hands, "I...I am ruining her life" I finally let the words flow, "What did you do?" he asked, "I might have kissed her" I told him, putting a palm on my eyes, my head leaned against the wall, "You did...what?" he asked, I nodded, my eyes closed, I was ashamed of myself.

"And if you did what you did, why are you here?" he asked, I pressed my lips together avoiding eye contact with my brother who was giving me a judgemental look, "You did not leave her there, right?" he asked, "RIGHT?" he yelled when I didn't answer, I nodded again and licked my lips.

"You are going back inside that damned room and apologizing to her, you hear me?" he ordered me, "You don't get order me" I yelled at him, "Oh yes I do Maharaj, you just broke my sister's heart" he yelled back, he was my brother after all, but his comment made me take a step back, "What...do you mean, I broke her heart?" I asked, my voice lowered to a whisper, "Did she kiss you back?" he asked, I nodded, he closed his eyes out of frustration, his response made me gulp down my saliva, leaving my mouth dry, "What would a woman, a wife feel if her husband just left her alone after kissing her? Of course she would be heartbroken" he told me, his voice dead pan serious, I blinked several times to let my brain register his words, "I didn't think...this way" I whispered my answer, "No brother, you didn't think at all" he told me, his words were a sword through my heart.

I despised myself.

I stood up from the sofa and made my way to the door, but I turned back, "Sister?" I asked him, "Someone had to be there for her" he responded, I pursed my lips and nodded and ran back to my room, to rectify a mistake that I made.