Shadow and Light

51

The Shadow

I regretted it. Everything that I ever did, meeting Asad, sleeping with him, becoming friends and more than friends with him.

But I also forgave myself for it, it was my past, everyone has regrets, everyone wish they didn't do that one thing in their past and I did too. Ranvijay was hurt and I wanted to kill myself for doing that to him, he is the love of my life, and I would do everything to keep him in it.

We slept wrapped in each other's arm that night, he whispered words of love and sweet nothings in my ear, more to make him calm than for me. He was scared and I know it, his eyes were blood shot red when I saw him sitting on the floor, I thought he would collapse right that second from how much his veins were popping.

I looked at him as he now sleeps beside me, his eyes closed and yet I could see my whole universe in them. The worry lines that were etched on his forehead from a while ago gone into oblivion.

I closed my eyes willing myself to sleep but I couldn't, thoughts invaded my brain, making me distraught and uneasy, everything was fine now, every truth out in the open and yet I felt this deep sensation in my stomach, You didn't choose me his words lingered in my brain for far too long, You didn't choose me they were words I would have once said, so familiar and yet they felt life times away from me.

You didn't choose me.

I would always choose him, I told myself. Even when it wasn't an option, I would always choose him, this man that laid beside me, breathing and living. Every breathe that he took gave me a new life, new hope.

I chose you. I will always choose you.

I told him caressing his hair, his soft locks gliding through my hair, I chose you.

***

The following morning as we all gathered in the visiting room, Asad, me, Ranvijay, Adwith and Alaaya all surrounded by awkward silence.

"Should I get some tea?" Alaaya asked trying to distract everybody and create conversation, "I would like some, thank you" Asad replied, smiling down at her, his smile hadn't changed in the past 5 years.

"I will too" Adwith said, "Me too" Ranvijay joined in, "I will take it too if everybody wants it" I sighed, closing my eyes as she walked out the door, "I am sorry...for everything. Yesterday night, that was a mistake." Asad finally said, clearing the air, he cleared his throat, his face was all bruised up, patches of black and blue were decorated on his face and neck.

"I don't regret hitting you" Ranvijay replied, I didn't intervene, because I didn't regret him doing that too.

"I know" Asad said, the silence settling again, this time thicker than it was before. Beads of sweat trickled down my spine, Say something, anyone, anything, please. I begged in my head.

I hated confrontations, and this one right here felt like prison, and I was a prisoner trapped in my own body.

"But...I would still like to talk to her" Asad said, my eyebrows shot up, he had guts to say that in front of my husband.

"I want to say no. But I know she needs it as much as you do" Ranvijay said to my surprise, I need what? Closure? I had my closure when I saw him kissing that woman.

"Don't. Touch. Her." My husband gritted his teeth, threatening our guest.

"I won't" Asad replied and bowed.

My husband nodded and left the room in a hurry, I knew if he stayed any longer he wouldn't let this talk happen.

"She is my sister Asad. I will kill you if you hurt her" Adwith sneered, "even though you are my brother" he finished.