Missing Things

a place you can't go back to, a time that never was

Krista wasn't behind the counter of Coffee Collective when Carl walked in on the Monday morning. He had hoped she would be there and he could have a conversation with her before going in.

The barista who was there was leaning against the sink next to the coffee machine, reading The Charm Offensive, giving an impression of aloofness.

The coffee shop was empty, but it still smelled of fresh-brewed coffee. Kehlani's You Should Be Here was playing over the speakers, and it was making Carl even more reluctant to go into the office than he already was.

"Hi," Carl said, walking up to the counter.

The barista came forward and put down the book. "Hey. What can I get you?"

"It depends. Is the ice machine working yet?"

"I don't know. I'm just filling in for a little while while Krista, the person who's usually here, deals with something. She didn't mention anything about an ice machine."

"OK, can I have a long espresso?"

"Yeah, I can do that."

Carl paid and then went to look at Faded Memory while he waited for his coffee.

"Are you Carlos?" the barista asked from behind the counter.

Carl turned around. "Sorry?"

"Krista, said that there's a customer who loved that painting." The barista put the coffee on the counter. "I thought it might be you."

"Oh," Carl said, walking towards the counter to get his drink. "It is me. But my name's Carl, not Carlos. I was almost Carlo, but my mother insisted on anglicing my name."

"How come?"

Carl shrugged. "To make my life easier?"

"Has it?"

"I don't know. I have no point of comparison."

"Would you have rather been Carlo and not erase your heritage?"

Carl laughed even though the barista looked serious. "I don't think so. I don't like the name any better, and I'm not attached to my heritage all that much."

"Do you like your name?"

Carl wasn't sure he liked the way the barista was quizzing him. "I don't know.I'm kind of used to it and I can't really think of a name I'd like better."

The barista nodded. "Yeah. I've tried choosing a new name a few times and failed. So I'm still Neil despite not being thrilled with it and not really feeling that it suits my nonbinary nature."

"Got it," Carl said, realizing that Krista must have spoken to Neil about him and now Neil was trying to bond in an awkward way. "You go by they/them?"

"No, he/they. But the 'they' is symbolic rather than literal. In other words, use 'he' but know that that's just a convenient word and not an entire identity."

"I get it. I use he/him but feel the same way."

Neil nodded and looked at Carl in a strange way. Carl couldn't decide if it was attraction or confusion.

"Yeah, anyways," Neil said, "Krista thought you abandoned us. She was sure you were going to become a regular but then you never came back. The place isn't busy as you can tell, and she was upset that we had already lost a customer."

"I didn't abandon you!" Carl felt guilty, as if the coffee shop was some significant other he had failed to call. "I'm only in the office on Mondays, and last week I had a shitty day. I'm hoping today will be better but I doubt it. It's gonna be hot garbage again, I can feel it."

"Where do you work?"

"Across the street, at the building behind the parking lot." Carl pointed out the door. "It's a software company. I wouldn't even bother coming to the office except my manager wants me in once a week."

"That sucks. Have you considered faking an illness?"

Carl laughed. "No I haven't."

Neil didn't laugh. He looked serious. "You should. Just say you sprained your ankle. Who'll know. It would suck for us because we'd be down a customer, but you'd be happier."

Carl finished his coffee and put it on the counter. "I'll think about it."

"So why do you like Faded Memory?" Neil asked.

"I don't know," Carl said, looking towards the painting. "It makes me feel some kind of weird loneliness. Like an almost nostalgia, but I'm not sure for what. It's like it's sad but not really sad. I can't put my finger on it."

"It's 'hiraeth'. A longing to go back to a place that no longer exists." Neil took the cup off the counter. "Anything else?"

"No, that's it for me," Carl said, smiling and feeling ridiculous for it when Neil didn't smile back. "I'll be off."