Missing Things

finding one thing while looking for another

Krista had arranged for The Crow and Faded Memory to be delivered on the Saturday morning, but Carl hadn't expected Neil to deliver them.

Carl was surprised by how happy he was to see Neil. He wasn't dressed for company, but he invited Neil in all the same.

Neil looked around at the walls and lack of decor. "So where should I hang these?" he said.

"You can leave them on the floor," Carl said, waving at the space at the bottom of the wall he was planning to hang them on. "I can hang them later."

Neil shook his head. "Nope. Nuh-uh. Krista specifically told me not to leave here without hanging these up."

"I don't have hardware."

"I do." Neil reached into the pockets of his overalls and pulled out a ziplock bag with supplies. "If you don't have a hammer, I have one in the van."

"OK," Carl said. "I was going to hang them along this hallway. Both on the same side."

Neil took out the hardware, and Carl went to get his hammer out from his closet. They hung both paintings up side-by-side on the wall. They looked bigger on Carl's wall than they had in the coffee shop and in the art space.

"I'm sorry I forced you to buy this," Neil said, leaning against the opposite wall to get a better look at the two paintings.

Carl leaned next to him. "It's OK. I actually like it."

"You don't have to lie."

"I'm not lying! I actually like it."

"Really?" Neil said, smiling and turning to face Carl while still leaning against the wall. "Then tell me why you like it. Tell me how it makes you feel. Be honest about it."

Carl looked at Neil. There was something flirtatious in his demand, and Carl smiled. "I don't know. You know how everyone always says that there's no such thing as black in nature? Well I never notice that until someone paints something like this, where the colours of the plumage are anything but black, but still give the illusion of black. And the colours of the black are the same as the colours of the white."

Neil shot Carl an incredulous smile, then looked away. "Yeah, you hate it. It isn't even evoking any kind of emotional response in you." He sounded more playful than mad.

Carl smiled. "I get an emotional response! I promise!"

Neil looked back at him, still smiling. "OK then what is it?"

"The emotional response I get is that it's hopeful but sad at the same time. It's almost the same as Faded Memory, but not quite. Like I look at it and the colours are really hopeful and cheery, but there's something about the way the crow is looking out at this weird emptiness that's off-putting. As if it's waiting for something. Or looking for something. Or wanting to do something. Join the other crows or something. I don't know. It makes me a bit uneasy, but not in a bad way."

"OK. I believe you then that you like it." Neil leaned back and faced the paintings again. "You've almost even made me like it. I almost don't hate it."

"Why do you hate it? Is it just because of the memory of your breakup or some other reason?"

"It's entirely because of my breakup. Actually it's entirely about my ex. Matt. He moved in with me during the first lockdown. We had been dating for two years and he was spending most of his time at my place anyways because he hated his roommate's new boyfriend, so we figured it would be OK. But Krista and Leandra didn't think it would be OK. They said that Matt and I were too alike and we would start to hate each other. But I told them that he and I were fine. And everything wasfine until I got depressed. Then things weren't so fine."

"That's why you broke up?"

"No. That's when I stopped painting. When I'm depressed, I can't create. And not being able to create makes me even more depressed, and it becomes a vicious circle. And because there was a fucking global pandemic, I couldn't get an appointment with a doctor let alone a psychiatrist, so I couldn't get any meds, and I had to wait it out, which was hell for me and hell for Matt. But then one morning I saw this crow outside and I felt compelled to paint it. So I got out my watercolours and made this. And when I was done I showed it to Matt and said, 'Look! I'm getting better!' And you know what that fucking shithead does?"

"No."

"He starts asking me why I chose those colours. Why I chose that composition. What the meaning was behind it. And I told him that I just painted it because I did. And that all that mattered was that I had finally made something. And he said that no, what mattered was what I was feeling and why I made the choices I made, and we got into the world's most pointless argument about it."

Things came into focus for Carl. "And that's why you don't want people asking questions about it."

"Yeah." Neil looked down at the floor. "He said things he shouldn't have said. And I said things I shouldn't have said. And then he moved out. "

"Why did you never tell Krista or Leandra, though?"

"Well, when I saw Krista it was the middle of the night and I just needed this fucking thing out of my apartment. I was too raw to tell her anything. And once I was less raw, I didn't feel like telling her or Leandra that they were right. That I should have listened to them. I was just really embarrassed."

"There's nothing embarrassing about being optimistic about a relationship with someone you love."

Neil looked at Carl and smiled. "I knew you'd understand."

Carl smiled back.

"What about you?" Neil asked. "Is there a partner or polycule in your life?"

"No," Carl said. "I was with someone for five years, but we broke up right before the pandemic."

"That was bad timing."

"Yeah. But it was inevitable and for the best."

"Were you a match made in hell?"

"No. No we got along really well. The problem was that he wanted kids and I didn't. It was inevitable and irreconcilable."

Neil nodded. "Yeah."

"Yeah. We almost got back together during the first lockdown. We were both really lonely and really missed each other, and we thought that all this pain would be for nothing if we ended up dead. But then we asked ourselves what we would do if we survived. Would we stay together or break up all over again? The answer was that we'd break up, so we stayed broken up."

"That's rough."

"Yeah." Carl looked at The Crow and all its colours, the way it was hopeful and sad all at once. "What are you doing this afternoon?"

"Nothing important. I have the day off."

"You want to stay for lunch? I was going to warm myself up a frozen pizza."