I WATCHED YOU TURN YOURSELF TO A MADE MAN
ALL THE LITTLE THINGS THAT MADE YOU
[ ... ]
TAKE A LITTLE TIME FROM THE WILD OUT
YOU COULD SLOW THE TIME DOWN WITH ME, BABE...
NY, NY
ONIKA MARAJ
AUGUST 23RD
I kicked my feet underneath my barstool, trying my absolute hardest to engage in this conversation, but it was impossible. My mind was elsewhere and I couldn't stop replaying our last encounter in my mind. It all haunted me because I knew what would happen, but I couldn't stop myself from loving her and wanting to be around her.
I kept finding myself sitting across from beautiful women and not being able to engage or entertain. These were women that were so gorgeous that they didn't even look real, and I had a woman on my mind that had told me to my face that our 'love' wasn't enough to stop her from fucking bitches. Bitches that most likely didn't have her best interest, bitches that only wanted to fuck her because she was up on that stage, bitches that didn't know her and didn't want to know her. All they wanted to do was fuck her and that was it. They weren't close with her mother and probably didn't even know her favorite fucking color outside of what they'd googled about her just so they could get close. They didn't know that her favorite color actually had changed.
But those were the women she liked to fuck because those women didn't ask her any questions or nag her or even speak to her. She told me they were easy and they knew their place. They didn't make the block hot and never said anything when they were out in the same spot. They were compensated and left alone.
"I think you're disgusting for liking women like that."
Beyoncé shrugged, "I don't care. Women like that are a lot more manageable."
"Since when do you like easy?"
"Since my life became so hard."
I had lots of grace for her, telling myself that her life was fast and stressful and women like that made things a little easier. I didn't think she was disgusting, I thought she liked women, not just me. I thought she had been trying for success for so long and now that people were finally seeing her genius, she was enjoying the fruits of her labor. I thought there were hundreds of other fruits, but that was her vice, I guess.
I stared up at the TV just as the commercials began to roll. Finally, they took us away from men slamming each other's helmet clad heads.
"I'm sorry for being too busy," Delilah apologized.
"It's okay," I reassured her. If I was honest, I had been drowning myself in work to keep my mind off of the woman I loved so I barely noticed. "School's got me all locked up anyway. I'm happy to see you today though."
Even my speech reminded me of Beyoncé. It had been months since I'd seen her and I still couldn't keep her out of my mannerisms. Some days I wished she would just go away. Some days I wished we never met.
"You seem somewhere else," She looked at the TV too, an iPhone commercial beginning, and Beyoncé was staring back at me in pixels, those chicklets gleaming.
I felt like the universe was playing with me. I shook my head, sure that my eyes were deceiving me, but there she was. Right there.
"She's so pretty," Delilah said, "She's my celebrity crush."
I looked at her and bet myself that if her and Beyoncé were in the same vicinity, she would fuck her. I looked around and made the same assumption about half of these women.
