Love Me, Please (Camren)

Chapter 31

They go for a walk in the park near her childhood home. The flowers are vibrant and beautiful, many of them blooming from the ground as they walk down the path, enjoying the beautiful April day. As Louis drove North, the sky had cleared up, turning from a ceiling of gray to now a sky full of sunshiney blue.

The sun feels nice on her face and the bare skin of her hands. Everything else is covered, first by Camila's clothes and then a warm coat overtop. Clara didn't ask about the well-worn shirt or the joggers which clearly don't fit her correctly, but she did eye them warrily, saying, "I suppose you'll explain."

She does explain. Everything, actually.

She begins with the night she first saw Camila and how she knew immediately she was her soulmatch. The feeling is difficult to describe thought authors, poets, screenwriters, and more have attempted to describe the feeling ever since the beginning of time. All Lauren can say is that it felt as if a thin thread had attached to her heart and was pulling her forward. She moved of her own volition but always had that extra push, that extra incentive.

Lauren explains how she was completely ignored even though they knew she was standing right there. She recalls what she felt when the girl Camila was flirting with looked at her and smirked like she was some pathetic thing just begging for Camila's attention. Clara listens and Lauren moves on because she doesn't want to dwell on anything, she just wants to tell the story.

So she talks about avoiding Camila after that and never wanting to see her, because she couldn't face that same rejection again. She explains the night she went to Camila's performance despite her best judgement, knowing Camila would be there but not being able to stop herself from going. She explores how it felt so strange, as if she wasn't even in control of her own decisions and how she found her way to the front of the crowd easily despite the amount of people.

It hurts to say it out loud but she has to. She tells Clara about how they made eye contact and the world paused for just a moment. She tells Clara about how Camila pulled her up on stage and kissed her in front of everyone. She tells Clara how confused she felt, after the initial rejection and then the display of such passion, and how she ran away because she couldn't stand to be forced to be with someone who doesn't love her.

She tells her, regrettably, about the mess her life was after that day, when Camila knew they were matched and seemed not to recall rejecting Lauren in the first place. She doesn't go into the details but she does tell her how she desperately slept around searching for someone who could possibly love her, or at least give her what she needed, because Camila could do neither of those things. She talks about how Camila would sometimes be there too and how she would always watch over Lauren and make sure she got home safely.

She mentions Camila calling her crying one night because it hurt so badly she couldn't even think. She tells Clara how she feels the same way, how some nights she can't sleep because of the pain. How she never wanted to be with Camila, not after the way she treated her that first night, but that her body betrays her and she can't help but want her, can't help but need her, just to survive, just to be able to breathe.

She also tells her about this past week, and how different it's been. How Camila nearly begged for help with French and how Lauren obliged her, perhaps spending more time with her than she needed to, and how Camila's different from what she thought and none of it makes sense anymore. She talks about last night, the horror movie and the way she pet Cama's hair, and how Camila knew something was wrong right away and hugged her comfortingly, and how she invited her to stay the night. Lauren talks about sleeping in her bed, and then how gentle Camila was with her this morning, when she woke her up carefully and gave her breakfast.

The last thing she talks about is the hug and how Camila asked her to please be okay with doing this more often, just so it wouldn't hurt as bad.

"Oh Laur," she sighs when she's finally finished, and they've walked the same loon at least three times now. "You poor thing.”

It feels good to walk in the fresh air and to be able to speak freely about everything that's been plaguing her lately. She hadn't known how much she needed to talk about it until she got it all off her chest. Now she feels liberated. "So now I don't know what to do," Lauren ends, summing up the basis of the crisis itself. I just don't know what to do.

"You think she doesn't care about you,” Clara states, decidedly not a question. "And you're sure of this. Even though you're soulmates.”

Last week her answer would've been steadfast but today she just doesn't know.

"Lauren," Clara warns. "You can't be afraid of letting her love you."

"She doesn't love me, though. It doesn't always work out," Lauren counters, feeling exhausted from spilling everything. "Soulmates aren't an exact science. Matches go wrong every day, all the time.”

"It'll never work out if you don't try. You know that, darling.”

"I'm so scared of her hurting me," Lauren whispers.

"And what are you doing to her right now?"

She's right, of course, she always is.

"So what do I do?"

"You have to decide, if this is something you want to pursue, or if you just want to leave it here and not come back. It's a decision between both of you. It isn't fair for you to run away, just as it isn't fair for her to force you into anything. From what you've told me, it's clear she wants to be with you Lauren. She's trying. But you have to talk about it with her. You have to tell her why you're upset, why you're afraid.”

"And what if I'm right about her not wanting me? About her wishing she matched with someone else?"

"Then you aren't meant to be," Clara answers simply. "And you move on."

Easier said than done.