𝕲𝖗𝖎𝖘𝖍𝖆𝖛𝖊𝖗𝖘𝖊 𝕺𝖓𝖊 𝕾𝖍𝖔𝖙𝖘

𝒩𝒾𝓀𝑜𝓁𝒶𝒾 𝓍 𝑀𝒶𝓁

NIGHTMARE

He woke up next to him with a start, but did not wake him. He has always been a fox, capable of quietness and cleverness in the worst of moments or the best. A simple nightmare wouldn't be so bad that he jolted awake and woke his whole crew, that'd be ridiculous. He wouldn't be worth the name Sturmhond if that were the case. The name held honor to it and he'd live up to it. No matter if he saw his brother being torn apart by those creatures and no matter if he couldn't do anything to help. Sturmhond is someone else.

It's not like Nikolai Lantsov, for some reason a name he despised. He never told anyone his hatred to the name itself. Which kind of prince would he be if he despised his own heritage and family? Not like he was of royal blood. He knew the rumors were true, he's known his whole life that they weren't just rumors. He's seen it in the way his father looked at him, full of disgust. He's seen it in his mother's eyes, full of pity. He's seen it everywhere, where people think it's hidden well, because he's different and he can see the difference of others. Nikolai Lantsov. A great prince and even greater King or just a bastard born to die?

Nikolai didn't bother with those thoughts anymore. He knew he was greater than his pure blooded brother, so why bother about the rumors if he knew he could be greater either way? He left the cave they were currently taking shelter in. Nikolai thanked himself for not allowing them to raise him as a royal. He'd never have said yes to sleeping in a cave that way, he knew because his brother, who was raised in royalty, wouldn't. Nikolai has been raised between soldiers, in the army, among Grisha, among people different. Whether it was soldiers, peasants or nobles, he got along with them and despite how he spoke he knew it wasn't his charming smile or attitude that won over their hearts, but the fact that a prince bothered to even look their way. That he spoke to them and acted as one of their own and not as some higher being. Simply because Nikolai knew he wasn't a higher being.

His legs carried him to the nearby lake where he sat down on a boulder and looked far out into the empty lands. No buildings near. No sign of human life at all. He always seemed so mesmerized by places like these. He never understood the concept of beauty. Everyone defines beauty differently, but there is a mutual understanding of what is not Beauty. Ugliness is defined the same by everyone, but how come? Nikolai shook his head, what are these unnecessary thoughts? Why bother thinking about beauty and not beauty when they are in the middle of a war? This wasn't the plan at all, he knew so much. Silently he prayed to all Saints that he hadn't made a mistake by leaving the Spinning Wheel for a few days. His plan was being sighted elsewhere, far away going even further away so that word would spread false. If someone saw them near Shu Han, nobody would look on the Fjerdan Borders. It was a simple and yet risking plan, because if they got sighted on their way back it was as good as the old woman Alina had insisted on taking along.

He admitted, Baghra had her use and the woman was definitely one capable of helping, but Nikolai hadn't liked the idea of taking the Darkling's mother into custody. Alina said she wasn't in custody, but the way the woman fought them when they took her along said something else. His mind wandered back to what happened at the Little Palace that night and how they barely escaped. Most of them had escaped. His brother hadn't. Nikolai would go as far and say it was his own stupidity that killed his brother, because it was. Or maybe he was just thinking of excuses not to mourn him. He doesn't have the time for grief. He's soon to be King, everyone is aware of that. He hasn't sent his father away yet, because he knows he needs him still, but as soon as his parents prove to be useless Nikolai plans to send them away to Novyi Zem and have them live a peaceful life away from Ravka. They deserve as much.

He didn't flinch when the Tracker sat down next to him on the ground. The boulder didn't have enough space for the both of them. Nikolai would usually have made some remark, but he didn't feel like it for once. "What's gotten you so gloomy?" The tracker asked, had Nikolai ever bothered to remember his name? Not really. He had been too busy taking in all of his features, from his short and yet fluffy brown hair to his ragged peasant shoes. Nikolai could tell you every detail about the tracker, except his name. Ironic, he thought at first, but later realized that he did not need a name because he found the word lapushka much more fitting than any other name. He didn't bother remembering his last name, because he can only think of it as Lantsov. The Lantsov Tracker, perhaps? Has a nice ring to it. "Gloomy? I think you meant handsome." Nikolai answered with his usual upbeat tone. "Whatever you want to call it, what is it?" The Tracker didn't seem to let go. Nikolai was bothered by his mere presence, how was he supposed to catch a clear thought with him sitting next to him so closely?

"I wouldn't say Gloomy." Nikolai spoke more solemnly than before, most likely an indicator of how late it was and how they were not meant to be awake at such a time. He was tired, which meant he wasn't bothered to keep lying. "I guess there's not much of a difference." He eventually muttered, the silence of the Tracker bothering him more than his presence. The silence between them stretched, Nikolai could feel his fingers twitching. He hated sitting still. "Just a silly nightmare." He eventually gave in for the sake of saying something. Anything. "A nightmare?" The Tracker asked and for the first time during this whole conversation they locked eyes. Nikolai knew every detail, knew the colors of his eyes by heart, how they aren't exactly symmetrical to each other and how much more beautiful that fact makes him. The scar on his jaw which had faded since the first time they met. Nikolai couldn't muster anything more than a nod, but when he saw the way the Tracker looked at him, so questioningly, he couldn't help but speak more.

"Sturmhond never had to bother with an annoying older brother or two parents who don't know what to do with their children. Sturmhond was just a privateer looking out for himself and those who need to be looked out for, those he took in and called his family because his true family was long gone and forgotten." He wasn't lying, people who only knew him as Sturmhond think he doesn't have a Family anymore. The sea and his crew were where he belonged. Before the silence could suffocate him he spoke again "I guess Nikolai doesn't have a brother either now." He sighed then added quickly "Didn't think I'd feel so miserable."

He looked away, he couldn't bare the Trackers look. No matter how he'd look at him, Nikolai knew he wouldn't like it, simply because there is no way to be looked at in a situation like this. He wished his presence away, he wished to be out on sea again and away from the war. He wasn't afraid, not any more than anyone else. Sturmhond hadn't been afraid so Nikolai wasn't either. He had to think rationally and his grievances weren't allowed to get in the way, especially not the thought of his stupid brother who had almost gotten them all killed! More than half of them gave their life just because his brother thought he could do better. Nikolai felt almost guilty about it despite knowing it's not his own fault. Nikolai didn't know what he hoped the Tracker would say, he doesn't know if he wants to hear what he has to say.

"Nikolai." was all he said at first, but the way he spoke his name sounded so unfamiliar as if it wasn't his name at all. It sounded unfamiliar, spoken with so much sincerity and gentleness. Not even his own mother spoke his name that way. Nikolai let out a low chuckle at the irony of it. "I would never use the word love so tell me one thing, how come you and Alina use it so freely?" He asked, not even sure where the sudden question came from. The Tracker blushed and looked away in embarrassment at first before meeting his gaze more seriously. "Because we are all we have. One day, you too, will find the one you'd sacrifice your life and more for." Nikolai couldn't even answer, the Tracker was already gone when he finally thought of words to say.

He didn't go back for a long time. Eventually he got up from the boulder and looked out into the darkness, stretching his limbs that had gotten stiff from sitting so still for so long. "What if I found that someone already, but they have someone else?" He whispered quietly for only himself and the forest to hear. He was a clever fox, a smart and controlled privateer and a soon to be great king, but in this moment he felt more like a twenty-one year old who was hopelessly in love with someone who was destined to be with a Saint.

The clever Fox didn't feel so clever anymore.