Hearts Parade of a Lyrical Life

Revelations Sit Perched on the Rat Race

I opened the door further for him to walk in and sit on my desk chair. My mind whirred with all sorts of worries about what he might say, or what he could possibly be thinking. Everything had seemed to have been solved, he was content with not knowing so why tell him? What let it slip?

I sat atop my bed facing Ryan, waiting for him to begin to speak. "So... Grace told me about what happened in the car."

I nodded, "I know."

Ryan's face turned to a look of surprise, he must've come straight to me after the conversation, Grace had only just texted me. "Okay." He shifted in the seat, "I get why you never told me, I feel kind of like an ass for pressuring you to tell me." there was clearly something grating on his mind, like the more he knew, the more he felt left in the dark. "Y/N, are you gay?"

My eyes widened, it was the last thing I had imagined he'd ask me, and on top of that, I didn't know the answer. I had never thought about it. When the kiss happened with Grace I was so focused on getting Ryan to like me again that I hadn't given myself time to ask myself how I felt.

"I– don't know." All at once everything felt so confusing, I couldn't place my own feelings, couldn't identify them, let alone put them into words.

Ryan looked at me comfortingly, he placed a hand on my knee, "I'm sorry, I didn't intend to confuse you, it's something to consider though. I'm here regardless of the outcome."

"Thanks." I sighed.

Ryan got up and walked toward the door. After he left I was yet again awash in thoughts. He seemed supportive, and I supposed I should be satisfied with that. Yet, when he looked at me if didn't feel as though he were asking about me , it felt like he could've been asking about us . It angered me to some extent, but I had no proof to base my assumption on, and after all, us was a thing that weighed heavy on my mind too.

————

Grace looked worried out of her mind the next day, she was pacing back and forth by the gate when I approached her. Kayla and Lucy looked out of sorts trying to calm her down. Grace saw me approach and walked up to me hurriedly, "Did you speak to him at all? Is he mad? Have I ruined everything?" Grace listed off countless worried thoughts spiralling through her mind.

I placed a gentle arm on her shoulder, "He's not mad, he seems confused, though that's more about me."

"Why would he be confused about you?" Grace raised a curious eyebrow.

I shrugged, "He asked if I was gay." There was a pause, Grace tilted her head as if to ask the same, "I told him I didn't know, that was it. He didn't express any upset with you."

She looked relieved, though a look of concern painted its way onto her face, she resisted the temptation of asking anything further. Kayla piped in from where she stood by the wall, "Let's talk about it at lunch." she suggested. I smiled and agreed to the suggestion.

We walked into class and Grace approached Ryan, asking if she could sit by him. He happily made space and moved his extra books to the side, placing his bag by his feet, Grace sat down next to him. I looked over at him looking pleased to be back with his friend, he caught my eye and looked back to the front quickly.

I gazed at my hands, it helped me to ground myself, peering at the spirals that formed in the wrinkles in my palm, and tracing them with my eyes and fingers. I had been feeling out of touch with everything recently, my thoughts and feelings a whir, so I found myself doing it more. Gazing, grazing my palms with my fingertips. I am here, I am real, I will figure this out. Not for Ryan's sake or anyone else's, but for myself.