Hearts Parade of a Lyrical Life

Impromptu Proposals

Wednesday, October 4th

Ryan and Grace had been texting and calling a lot, their relationship was on the mend. Though in actuality it was never really broken, it seemed I was acting as 'the other girl' and that didn't help when I approached them at the gates today, watching their once again smiling faces turn to looks of discomfort at my arrival. I tried to shake the weird feeling.

"What are you guys laughing about?" I asked, hoping to join in.

They looked at each other and stifled a small giggle, "Oh just something back in high school, you wouldn't get it." Grace walked over to me and gave me a hug hello, she seemed in good spirits. "I heard you talked to that girl from Lunch Club, I've been meaning to ask how that went."

Grace pulled her arm around me as we walked to class, with Ryan beside her, just like when we had first met at the beginning of the year, Ryan listened attentively as I answered, "Oh yeah, I can tell you about it later if you want."

Ryan seemed displeased, he looked away pretending to have lost interest in what we were talking about. I thought back to my last conversation with him. It's something to consider , was he hoping to hear that I was still interested in him? Or was he just looking out for me? Either way it was clearly something he hoped he could hear the answer to. I wondered if he'd be disappointed at how unclear my answer really was. I don't know and I'm okay with not knowing , is probably not the validation most guys would hope for in their potential relationships.

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We all sat together in class once more, with Kayla and Lucy just off to the side next to me, I felt like some kind of fifth wheel, the kind no vehicle needed, atleast tricycles had a purpose. Yet there I sat, in the middle of two pairings chatting away in class, and feeling needlessly alone once more. I could just talk to Grace, but she seemed so happy to have things back to where they were with Ryan. I looked to my right and decided to talk to Kayla and Lucy instead.

They were talking about a book the two of them had recently finished, I hadn't read it. Lucy spotted my silent moping and in an attempt to include me, she told me all about the story, with Kayla excitedly interjecting with her favourite parts. I felt relieved, and thankful that Lucy was so astute and caring. The rest of the lesson passed by without issue and we were once again, off to Lunch Club.

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Grace shared with the group the good news about her and Ryan's making up. She had shared prior how her coming out had gone and how it had left her feeling a little, unexplainable.

"I pulled him aside after classes, he had just come back from band practice and was still holding his guitar case so he walked with me to my car and he leant against it. I told him, 'Ryan I'm a lesbian'. He looked at me for a moment, a little taken aback but not freaked out by it in any way. We talked, he let me know that he supported me and that he appreciated that I would share that with him, he asked if I was comfortable with other people knowing or if it was secret. We talked about girls and then... we talked about Y/N. He jokingly asked what I thought of her, 'You think she's pretty', he wasn't serious. I don't know why I did, but I joked back, 'Pretty enough that I'd kiss her.' I don't know why I'd say it, or why I thought to make light of it. His expression dimmed and he questioned me, 'What?'. I stumbled over explaining myself. He picked up his guitar and backed away from me. He didn't look angry, he looked, pensive, threatened. As if the thought crossed his mind that maybe now I could be some kind of threat, that he wouldn't be able to have another secret relationship for fear I might steal them from him. I don't really know what it was. I tried to ask him to let me explain, for him to stay but he turned, 'I need time.' he said, before walking away.