Lilies and Lullabies

II. strangers with a name

Something about darkness is comforting me. I can hide from everyone who might think I'm weak and coward. Kahit saglit na pagtago at pag-iyak, sandaling luluha nang tahimik bago magliwanag para muling magpanggap. 

Something about his words that he said about the balloon makes me wanna talk about the things I hid for quite some time. 

“Strangers won't judge, right?” I asked, without looking back.

When he hummed, I took that as a sign to open this thing up. Hindi lahat… pero kung anong nangyari sa araw na ‘to, after all he was the one who saved me. Hindi naman siguro masamang sabihin ang nararamdaman ko kahit minsan, di'ba?

Baka naman may makinig sa boses ko kahit paano, hindi ba? 

“It was my sister's birthday, I bought her balloons but our stepfather ruined it. Sinaktan niya kami ng kapatid ko. To make my sister calm, I promised her to buy a new one… kaya lang nabitawan ko.” I laughed but I couldn't help but to cry more. 

“Her Ate is just weak, I couldn't protect her…” 

“You're not weak, you did your best to protect her. You were bruised by his abuse but you never let that be a hindrance to protect your sibling from him. And you can even sacrifice yourself to make her happy.” his voice was so assuring that it made me feel better at least.

“If you're thinking that crying and hiding here is a sign of being weak, I think not. You just wanted to vent out. Crying makes you even braver, because not everyone is capable of admitting that they're crying.” 

Silence engulfed us, only the waves are the one that creates a sound. He gave me a piece of paper and I accepted that without hesitation. 

“Strangers won't judge, right? Text me when you want to talk. Don't worry, you don't need to tell me your name. Let's stay being strangers.” 

When I decided to go home, he let me. Wala siyang naging salita. I just know that it's a little better now. With a balloon in my hand, I go back to my sister. I caressed her hair before tying the balloon to my bedside table so she can see it when she wakes up. 

I never thought that I would share my safe place with a stranger. I didn't even tell Mira about this particular spot on this beach because it  became a personal thing for me, but I just found myself sharing silence in this place with a stranger. Gano'n pa rin ang set up namin, magkatalikuran sa puno. I even shared the hell I've been through with my stepfather. Sa tuwing medyo maaga ang uwi ko ay nandito ako kasama siya. It's been a month since that and I never felt unsafe in his presence. He can calm me, something I never imagined before because I only have myself whenever I'm crying. Bagay na hindi ko kailanman inasahan— isang taong makikinig sa akin na para bang hindi ako abala.

I can do this with Mira but I know it'll just resurface the pain she tried to heal for so long. Okay na akong malaya na si Miracle sa sakit ng nakaraan namin. I just want her to be happy. 

Kaya ngayong may nakikinig na sa akin… it feels so indifferent. Is this how it feels to have someone you can run onto when things are colliding?

The next day, we have a festival in our university. It's a three day celebration for our foundation and we have events to attend to, nagpaalam na lang ako kay Sir Daze na hindi ako makakapasok sa trabaho dahil hanggang gabi ‘yon at may attendance kaya hindi ako p'wedeng um-absent. 

“May sinalihan ka?” tanong ni Mira nang minsan kaming matambay sa food court.

“I wanna join story writing sana pero sarado na, saka hindi kasi anonymous ‘yon kaya okay lang.” I shrugged.

She snorted, “You have the talent to write, to paint, and even sing pero ayaw mo ilantad.” 

I chuckled, “I hate the attention.”