Lilies and Lullabies

XI. Escape

"Miko, love... it's me, your Silas." it felt like a lullaby that calmed me little by little.

I stared at the man in front of me, he's protecting my head to avoid bumping it on the sink. My vision started to become clear and I saw Silas and Mira, they're both crying while sitting in front of me.

Silas offered his hand on me, using my trembling hands, I slowly held him. He immediately pulled me into embrace, rubbing my back and hushing me with all his might. I was crying silently in his arms while Mira stayed there with me, holding my cold hands and massaging it.

"It's me, Miko... I'm here, we're here." Silas mumbled as he cupped my cheeks, wiping my tears.

"He'll hurt me again..." muling tumulo ang luha ko bago tumingin kay Miracle, "Mira, he's back... he'll do it again."

Mira shook her head, this time she caressed my cheek while her other hand remained holding my hand tightly.

"Wala na siya, Emi. We're safe now..." she whispered.

Silas let Mira hug me, she's calming me. And I felt my eyes becoming heavy, my breathing suddenly calmed down until everything went black.

I woke up in my bed, I moved slowly but I still feel how my arms hurt a bit. It was full of scratches and marks of my nails. Even my head is heavy. I stayed lying down on my bed, staring at my ceiling. I took a deep breath after feeling an arm hugging my waist. It was Mira. She was asleep. I also saw Silas on my study table, he's also sleeping. They stay...

I moved a little but I still woke up Miracle. She started asking me a question but I just rested my head on her neck. She caresses my hair just like she used to do before.

"What happened?" she asked me.

"I opened my old diary... I never imagined that I would react like that again..." I said in my weak voice. "Mira, I don't think I'll ever heal from that. I can't even help myself. I can't be free as long as I'm alive."

Silas moved in his sleep, he looked at me with his loving eyes. It feels like I'm watching the ocean in his eyes. He smiled weakly, and so did I. Miracle said that she'll leave me with Silas for a while to tell Mama that I'm awake. Silas looks like he's afraid to hold me. He sat beside me and he started to caress my hair, still looking at me with his eyes full of love.

"I'm sorry you have to witness that." I muttered in a muffle voice.

I didn't mean to scare him... I don't mean to relive his pain after seeing mine.

He shook his head and held me in my hands, he intertwined his fingers between mine and kissed the back of my palm.

"You don't have to be sorry for your emotions. You're valid, Mahal. You are seen." he said, "We'll get through this, okay?"

I nodded even though I felt like I would never get through this hell. I've been seeing a psychiatrist but I never feel okay. I can't face my fears, I can't even move forward. I want to get out of that hell just like Mira, but I can't seem to find my way out. It's like I'm traveling into a labyrinth- it's too deep and I'm suffocating.

Mama keeps on apologizing, I used to tell her it's fine... but right now, I can't lie to them. No words can ever be spoken to tell I'll be fine.

Weeks passed, I took a sick leave for a while because I don't want my condition to affect the quality of my work. Silas, on the other hand, keeps on checking me up. We've visited the shore to make me feel better, it was a little helpful because my mind is calming down when we're just sitting there. Nang umayos kahit paano ang takbo ng utak ko ay bumalik ako sa trabaho. Silas and Mama were a little hesitant to let me work after what happened but I insisted that it's better to work than let my mind run over the past- ang hirap takasan ng utak ko, I'm getting tired of it. People might say, I should face it... I'm trying, but facing those nightmares is reliving how it feels to live underground. I'm doing therapies with my psychiatrist; it was helpful, yes, but I have to help myself either. It's just so hard for me. I lost myself a long time ago, I already gave up, how can I heal if my whole being already gave up on me?