Lilies and Lullabies

XII. Dead Stars

My world is too narrow and I'm lost with this life. Everything is choking me already, I found my reason to continue before, but now... I'm blinded by the pain and I couldn't see a way out in this damn maze.

"I want to go to the Netherlands." I said.

"Should I book a flight now? Punta tayo," she said, sounded so hopeful that I could walk again after burying myself underground.

Agad akong umiling, "I want to go there... alone."

Being alone... and to be free. Ang pangarap kong lumipad gaya ng paru-paro. Maging malaya at mawala ang bigat sa puso ko. I was lost in the vast ocean and I'm tired of swimming along the deep blue water that I've no certainty to survive. Alam kong kailangan pang lumangoy, pero paano? Paano kung wala na akong lakas? I've been brave enough before but not brave enough to choose myself, now that I'm strong enough, can I choose myself and let myself sink in the water?

"Emiko..." nabasag ang boses niya.

"Nevermind..." I muttered after remembering Silas' eyes.

"Emi, kaya kitang samahan hanggang maging maayos ang lahat." she tried to console me.

Umiling ako at nagtago sa ilalim ng kumot. Mira knew that I wanted to visit Netherlands, alam niya na ang bansang iyon ang gagamitin ko sa pagtakas... pero masamahan niya kaya ako sa totoong rason kung bakit Netherlands ang napili ko?

I bit my lower lip after seeing Silas' smile in my head. I could hear his laugh and giggles, his little sulking voice when he can't figure out the meaning of my paintings and I don't want to share it with him because it's all about him. His eyes that are always sparkling whenever he's on the shore. His voice that calms me...

I still need to make him feel how much I love him. I still have to make him feel how much I tried to live and stay because of him.

"Nand'yan si Silas?" tanong ko.

Tumango siya at sinabing tatawagin ang lalaki. When Silas went inside my room, I saw a glimpse of pain, worry, and fear in his eyes. He was so hesitant to embrace me because he thinks that it might trigger my emotions once again. Ako na ang unang humakbang at yumakap sa kanya. I wrapped my arms around his waist and hid my face from his chest. He was breathing heavily as he rubbed my back. He didn't say anything while I'm hugging him, I kept on crying. My little sobs turned into a loud cry, and to wailing.

"Silas, I'm scared." I confessed.

"I'm here... we'll escape from that fear, we'll heal." he mumbled before he tightened his hug.

I sob, "I'm so tired, Love."

"Pahinga ka, mahal, sasamahan kita." saad niya habang patuloy akong kinakalma.

He started to sway our body while he started singing a song- my favorite one. I can hear how his voice cracks because he's bottling his emotions up. He's trying so hard to become the strongest person now that I'm at my lowest.

I'm so afraid... because even after embracing him, I can still feel how dirty I am. Those lusty touch from that demon, gusto kong masuka sa sarili ko dahil pakiramdam ko ay sobrang dumi ko na, at ako 'yong babaeng hindi nararapat mahalin ni Silas.

I'm afraid because I know he'll stay with me even when I try to push him away. Ayoko nang madamay siya, he doesn't deserve a woman who can drag him down with hell. Handa akong kumawala, 'wag lang siyang madamay sa mga sugat ko.

I'm just turned twenty-four but I really, really wanna end everything.

I stopped working. My world collapsed. I couldn't stare at my reflection because I started to hate my image. Malamlam na mata, maitim ang ilalim nito dahil sa puyat. My lips are dry and sometimes bleeding. Who would want to stare at me?