Lilies and Lullabies

XVI. Vows

Palitan sa pag-drive ang magkapatid na Dane at Daze dahil medyo mahaba ang biyahe. Nasa kandungan ko si Mirae na natutulog, sila Mama naman saka sila Lola ang nasa likod. Magkatabi si Mira at Liam sa katabing upuan namin ni Mirae. Si Silas at ang kambal niya ang nasa harap. Madilim pa nang umalis kami sa bahay at ngayon ay may kaunting liwanag na sa labas. 

We decided to go on a camp for two days and one night before we stayed in a hotel and visited some good places in Tagaytay. 

Pagkarating namin sa campsite ay nag-ayos na kami agad ng tent namin. We have three big tents that we have to arrange before it gets too hot. We divided ourselves into three: Mama, Tita, and Lola, sa pinakamalaking tent sila. Then Silas, Daze, and Liam. Sa isang tent naman kami nila Mira at Mirae. 

After fixing our tents, Liam, Silas and Daze placed the picnic chairs in front. Kami naman ni Mira ang nag-ayos ng mga pagkain na kakainin namin ngayong tanghalian. Nagpapahinga ang tatlo dahil mukhang napagod sa biyahe. Mirae, on the other hand, is busy petting Daze's dog which he brings with us. 

The place we chose to do this camping is not that crowded. Malamig din dahil maraming puno, kita rin ang taal sa hindi kalayuan. Marami ring halaman sa paligid namin kaya ang bango ng hangin, malayo sa polusyon ng siyudad. Hindi nalalayo sa preskong hangin sa lugar namin. After eating our lunch, Silas and I decided to walk around the place. Makulimlim ang panahon kaya hindi nakakaperwisyo ang mainit na klima. 

Silas and I stay close to each other, we're both afraid to let each other go… we haven't talked about it yet, but I know behind this silence and peacefulness between us is the fear that my time will come. Alam kong sa likod ng mga ngiti ni Silas na pinapakita niya, ramdam ko naman ang unti-unting sakit na binibigay ko sa kanya. He may look happy and cheerful everyday, but it wasn't a secret to me that behind all those laughter and excitement is the tears he tried to hide from me. I can see how he looks at me, he's afraid… he's in pain, and I hate how I become the reason for that. We were so open to each other. We both know how to mend the pain. We both know how to calm each other. But right now, despite the driving force inside me to hug and remove his worries, I know I can't. Ako ang dahilan ng sakit na ‘yon, and even I don't know how to end it. If I choose to stay, I'll die slowly. It doesn't change anything. We will just end up in pain and wreck.

I was never afraid of my own death, but leaving them hurts me. Some people may not understand my desire to rest, but for me, it's my way of choosing myself. I neglected myself a lot of times, and loving myself means getting my freedom. 

“What were you thinking?” Silas asked me.

I didn't notice that I stopped walking and I'm just staring at him. His eyes are glittering because of the sun. It reflected on his eyes perfectly, as if the goddess of the sun chose him and kissed his cheeks lightly.

I shook my head and gave him a small smile. He sighed and patted my head. 

“Pagod ka na maglakad?” tanong niya at tinanaw kung saan namin iniwan sila Mira.

I also looked back and I noticed how far we've come… malayo na rin pala kami. Hindi lang sa distansya mula kila Mira kun'di maging sa buhay. I was once a lost kid without any path to follow but Netherlands, I met Silas… we became strangers who we were calling when things are messy. Hanggang ngayon naman, we were each other's safe place and comfort. 

Napatitig ako sa kanya nang bigla siyang tumalikod at lumuhod sa harap ko. 

“Pasan ka,” utos niya.

Umiling ako, “Mas pagod ka kasi nagmaneho ka kanina.”

“Dali na, mahal.” 

Wala akong nagawa kung hindi sumampa sa likod niya dahil alam kong wala siyang balak tumayo hangga't hindi ako pumapasan sa kanya. I wrapped my hands around his neck and rested my chin on his head. Marahan kaming naglalakad sa pagitan ng mga puno na napapaligiran ng mga roses at gumamelang kulay dilaw. Sobrang ganda sa mata ng makulay na bulaklak sa lugar na ‘to.